Hidden Treasures

A Curious Baby Running Loose

2011-01-05T09:18:00.005-05:00

Our precious Benben is going to be 10 months in a few days. Lately, we have really noticed that he IS out of the new born stage and entering into the next one. This past month, he has mastered the art of crawling and pulling himself up and cruising with furniture. Verbally, he's "talking" a lot more with many different facial expressions to tell us how he feels. And then there is the ultimate battle, the "will" power. He has started to express his will by refusing to eat certain food and push away things he doesn't like, for example.

Maybe because he's my third, this time, it is more obvious to me than my last two experiences. So, the battle has begun!

Never more than now, I am glad for the decision I made just a few weeks ago. I was actually planning to start working from February, teaching at our church preschool. It's been my desire to be in a teaching position and be involved with developing our church school. In addition, we need to somehow save for the boys' tuition next year. I didn't think of any better way to have these desire and need met than through this opportunity. At the same time, however, there were obstacles. Concerns that made me not peaceful about this arrangement. I tried to convince myself to believe that the uneasiness was from my fear about this unknown and new arrangement and I have to fully and completely trust God for a success. So, I replied and confirmed to take this position. Yet, my heart continued to be not peaceful. Through the next few weeks that followed, God has revealed it to me that it was not in His plan for me to start working. "But, how am I supposed to save for the boys' tuition next year?" I questioned. Still, I know that God would take care of it even though I didn't know how.

The next day after I officially declined the position, we received a second cheque from the government for a child tax benefit that we applied for the first time. It took us about 6 months to get this retroactive payment worth for the last 4 years for both Ethan and Darren, but it arrived at a perfect time. we were just happy to received this unexpected cheque with the unexpected amount, but it wasn't until later the next day for me to realize that we should save this for the boys' tuition next year. It was God's confirmation to my decision of staying at home for my boys by meeting our financial need. I was just so speechless and grateful.

Ever since I made this decision, I have been peaceful and enjoying spending time with Ben at home. Watching him achieve something new everyday is just so precious and priceless. He's very curious about everything and very active, too (can't escape from genetics), but I consider it a blessing to be able to chase after a baby who is running loose. :)

Romancing Your Child's Heart

2011-01-02T14:02:00.003-05:00

When we speak of Romance, I wonder how many people will actually think about children. But, I think the title of this book nails it to the core of parenting. For the longest time, I was focusing on the wrong thing. I don't mean to blame anybody, but what parents around me tend to focus was on the behaviours of their children. To add on to it, I was raised to be a well behaved child. So, it was only natural for me to follow that path of moulding my children's behaviours to be as perfect as it can be.

Now, thinking back, no wonder it has been a tough journey for me. I struggled so much on the things that shouldn't be the focus of my journey as a parent. As a result, I wasted so much of my precious time with my boys in the past. Although it is not too late, I cannot help but to think what I would have done differently if I could go back to 8 years ago when my first born was still a baby.

Romancing Your Child's Heart is a coaching book, as the author Monte Swan put it, for the parents to come up with their own strategies to win their children's hearts. The key here is "their own strategies". In the past 8 years, I have read many christian parenting books, trying to be equipped as much as possible at the same time desperately seeking for a rescue from what I thought was a sinking boat. Some of them offer great visions that opened up my eyes. Yet, after reading them I was lost in terms of next steps. Ok, I got the idea. I agree. But, what do I do to make it happen? Others offer specific strategies as to what to do when your kids _____________ (fill in the blank). Some of these strategies worked, but not for too long most of the time. And then I was back to scratch in my sinking boat. I always found myself convinced and convicted by the books, but at the same time had an unsettled "I'm not 100% sold" feeling about many of them although I didn't know why. After years of exploring these parenting books, I had the feeling, "Most of them work for average normal kids. But, if you have special kids like I do, I don't think it will work." I came to the conclusion that they are all too simplified. Yes, as Christians, we are working toward our children's obedience. But, along with friends around me, I was too caught up by the idea that every kids should be able to behave (listen and obey right away without a delay) if they were disciplined right. If not, it must be because of your parenting. Without putting in too much thoughts, I blindly believed that there was only one way of raising children.

Since it's been many years since I first read this book, I almost forgot about what it says, but just reading through the first few pages, I already got some insights. So, it's ok to have our own strategies when it comes to raising kids. It's ok that it's different from what my friends do. I felt the pressure been lifted even further. It's such a wonderful feeling to have! For the first time in my 8 years of parenting, I feel like I can be guilt free as to how I am going to raise my children. Nobody gave me any pressure, but I always felt that myself. I was giving pressure to myself in order to get approval from people around me. But, the only Person I have to be accountable to is God. He is the One who has entrusted His precious children to me to care for here on earth. And He has made them so special and unique that I can't follow the formulas that are sold for everyone and anyone out there. They won't work 100%. What I need is a great portion of God's wisdom and the Holy Spirit's guidance, and tremendous amount of time being on my knees interceding on behalf of my children to get that "special recipe" for each one of my boys.

My prayer is that both Ed and I can tackle on this book again, together this time, and work together to come up with our own strategies following the manuals from the Creator Who made our children in order to win their hearts for Christ. Borrowing the author's analogy, the arrows have been taken out, and the bows have been pulled, it's the matter of time for our "arrows" to be released into the world. I want to be sure that when they are released in the near future, it will fly straight into the air hitting the right targets that they were aimed for.

Jan.1, 2011 A New Year has begun.

2011-01-01T14:54:00.003-05:00

Today, a new year has started. To be honest, I don't feel the motivation for starting a new year with a great aspiration. Right now, I am kind of dragging my exhausted body through the day and indulging myself with nothing to do. This holiday, we have done a lot, and we have done nothing. We have done a lot of works to our house such as adding backsplashes to the kitchen, tiling the bathroom wall, putting up a shelf and adding a countertop in the laundry room..... They are not big projects, but mixed with a nasty cold and sinus infection as well as hosting 4 times over the holiday and a crawling baby who's kind of clinging, it took longer and was harder than what we expected. As the holiday comes to the end, we are physically worn out. I feel like we didn't do a lot because we didn't have proper rest as we should have reflecting of what happened in the past year.

Still, as I type it away how I don't feel the excitement of a new year starting as much as I wish it would be, my dear husband is in the garage building a stand for the countertop for the laundry room, my older two boys are watching the Avatar: The Last Air Bender Marathon being aired on Nick Jr. channel, and my baby is whining for me.

I do feel and want to make it a great year in many areas, but my thought right now is not organized. So, I pray in God's mercy that He will get me ready for this new year asap, especially with school and work starting in two days. Going back to normal is both exciting and dreadful. Maybe because of this mixed feeling that I am feeling weird like this on the new year's day this year.

Although the new year has started as dull as it can be, I am hopeful without doubt that God will do something wonderful as He always does. I am ready to learn and journey with Him in this coming year, too. Happy New Year!

2010-11-30T00:01:00.004-05:00

After Ben was born, time spent with Ethan and Darren has dramatically decreased. Thankfully, they play well together generally and are independent, so I am able to take care of a new born without too much conflict except for my own guilt. Ethan and Darren have been very understanding and have not complained about being neglected.

As soon as I felt back to normal, I tried to go back to our normal schedule, including homeschooling and bedtime routine of reading books, the Bible, and praying with the boys. But, recently, I stopped the bedtime routine with the boys, trying to get Ben to sleep at an earlier time regularly. Ethan and Darren did not mind reading books themselves, so I did not pay too much attention to this change. Until recently, God started to show me how little time we spent together reading God's word, talking about the principles behind it, etc. Since they go to school now, I only get to spend 4-5 hours with them everyday. Most of the 4-5 hours are usually spent on homeworks, dinner, and bedtime routine (by themselves).

So, today, I decided that we will go back to spending time together before they go to bed, reading books that they pick as well as God's word and pray together. Before, I usually tried to rush it through so that I can have a quiet time myself. Even bedtime prayers were different. I used to take turns praying with the boys before they went to bed, but because I want to get it over with, I started to close the bedtime routine by prayer myself. Tonight, we took turns praying again, and I was so blessed to hear how much Darren's prayer has changed. He's praying like an adult now; from the words and phrases he used to the content of his prayer. I was just so happy and impressed how much he's grown.

At school, they start and end their day with devotionals, prayers. I was so speechless and though what a great job they are doing at the boys' school. At the same time, I know that this can't be an excuse for me not to continue to spend time with them in God's word and prayer. I am thankful and encouraged to press forward in training them in their walks of faith.

Perfect Parents, Rebellious Children

2010-10-27T10:02:00.003-04:00

One of the "nails" in my parenting that God had to remove was the fact that I identified myself with my kids. (I used to identify myself with my husband, too. But, that's another story.) How my children's misbehaviours would reflect on me poorly. This is the very thought that haunted me over many years in the past. I didn't even know that I was affected by this prideful thought. But, God did. And I believe that for that very reason, He gave me boys only. Ethan, especially is a blessing in terms of this. If it weren't for Ethan's "uniqueness", I would not be able to see from different perspectives, little to say, understand how to accept a person as who he is and to find my own identity in Christ alone, not in others.

It was said that guilt and worries are two things that hinder parenting. Guilt from our past mistakes and worries for the future will ruin the moment we have with our children. For me, worries for the future were holding on to the stirring wheel for the course of my parenting journey. As a result, it wasn't going anywhere. I was spinning at the same spot.

Today, I found an encouragement in the saying, "even though God is a perfect parent, ALL of His children rebelled!" Ha! How true that is!

We ought to "Surrender our kids to God and trust Him with the outcome" as well as to "Glorify God in our parenting and leave the results to Him."

Do you feel your burden lifted up a little bit? Does this make you feel a little less intimidated by parenting now? I certainly hope so!

Remembering My Two Little Angels

2010-10-25T22:14:00.005-04:00

Dear my two little angels,

Time really flies by; the time you have left me and went to be with our Heavenly Father has come again. This year, mommy has been really busy taking care of your little brother and by the time I realized it, it was the day. I felt guilty that I almost didn't remember it. Can you please forgive me.

On these days, I remember what happened years ago and am wondering how you two are doing up in our heavenly home. Are you smiling everyday? Are you laughing everyday? Are you full of joy everyday? Mommy can almost picture your smiles. That picture alone comforts me. It bring me smile that I couldn't have for many years.

Looking at your little brother who's growing cuter and cuter everyday, I can't help but to wonder what it would be like if you two were meant to be here, too. Since your brothers all look alike, I guess you two would have been very similar, too. Unless you were girls, then it might be a different story. Since mommy doesn't have a girl, I can't imagine how you would look like if you were girls. But, what I know is that you two would have been beautiful regardless.

I don't know when I will get to see you two. But, mommy is so thankful that I get to see you two one day because of the price Jesus has paid for me. Me, a sinner who has a deep stain that shouldn't have been erased, that didn't deserve to be erased. Yet, Jesus was willing to pay for my sin with His blood, erasing my stain and made it as white as snow......

On your anniversaries, mommy is comforted to know where you are now and that you are in the best place under the best care.

My two little angels, until we see each other one day, praise and worship God for mommy, too.

Remembering you two with lots of love,
mommy

A Beautiful Saturday It Should Be!

2010-10-16T11:00:00.005-04:00

"Mom, can we order the costumes now?"

A question I heard a million times these last few days. Ok, maybe it hasn't reached a million times yet, but I certainly feel like it has! As the Halloween approaches, my boys surely remember my promise a few months ago to get them their desired "Vert Wheeler" costume from Hot Wheel Battle Force 5 and "Spider Monkey" from Ben 10 Alien Force.

While the whole North America celebrates Halloween, we participate in our church's annual Hallelujah Party. On Halloween, instead of trick or treating, we get together to praise the Lord. Kids get to play games to win their treats and there are worship musics, puppet shows, etc. My boys really enjoy this night every year. Without an exception this year, they have been looking forward to the Hallelujah night.

I was going to order the costumes with them online last night, but because of their disobedience, I had to postphone to today. This morning, as soon as they got up, they started to "shower" me with the same question. The condition for us to be able to order them was for them to finish their works first. Long story short, they haven't been able to fulfill that and it has been a struggling this whole morning. A beautiful Saturday morning with lots of sunshine outside the house.... yet, inside our house, there were screaming, crying, yelling, a very familiar scene from Supernanny if you have watched the show.

My husband worked over night, in fact he is not even home yet as I write this at 11:20am right now. This morning, my 7 month old got up at 5:30am and wouldn't go back to sleep. My 6-year-old came to tell me that he had wet his pajamas at just before 6am. By 6:30am, I was surrounded by three boys goofing, laughing, and one crying in my bed. On a Saturday morning!!!!! I finally gave up as the boys announced that they smelled something from their baby brother's diaper.....

After feeding them breakfast, I was hoping to have some quiet time while they do some homework in their room quietly after I had put the littlest to a nap. They did so for about an hour before they got distracted and started to make noises, which of course woke up the napping baby. So, my quiet time ended even before it actually began....
So, here I was lack of sleep, tired, irritated, frustrated, exhausted. And it was only 10am....

In the last 4.5 hours, I felt like I have already gone through a whole day worth of parenting. I have raised my voice (which was not a good parenting, by the way), talked with the boys separately after they "screamed murder" to each other, prayed with them for God to help them with their struggles such as self-control, being nice to others, etc. "Remind" them to finish their works first if they want to play....

In the middle of this caos, as I was yelping for help from God, He all of a sudden brought back to my memory what He has given me as a reward last night. Last night, before I left my boys' room, Ethan had told me that he had overheard the bus driver told one of the girls, "I hope she will get better." So, he was wondering who was sick and wondered if it was one of his classmates, Eliana. So, he bowed his head right there in the bus and prayed for her to get better.

I was in such a joy when I heard this. This is what I really want to see in my children, not that they are smart, well behaved, organized, well mannered (of course these are important and it's my prayer that they will be blessed by these), but more than the superficial behaviours, I really desire their heart to be with compassion and love and to turn to God for anything and everything.

As God gave me back this picture in my mind, I felt that my burden lifted up. It's a Saturday morning. Why am I getting so uptight about? Enjoy the sunshine and smell the roses! Breathe!!! I had to yell at myself. While I "hinted" at them that they were ruining the beautiful Saturday, God was telling me that I was the one who were ruining everyone's Saturday.

I am sweating over little stuffs and missing something more important. And I wasn't being fair. You see, my frustration really was coming from the fact that my husband was still at work and I was doing everything myself without a break. My physical limit led to emotional limit, which then resulted in releasing my frustration on my poor kids. Then, I was reminded by God's word in the book I was reading for the fellowship tonight. God says, "Come unto me, all [ye] that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28)

As I went to God that night, repenting for my faults and asking for rest, He surely graciously and mercifully gave me rest. Rest I had. Not necessarily a physical rest, but a "peace that surpasses all understanding" that only God can give as He promised in Philippians 4:7, "And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Praise the Lord!

Beautiful Jelly Fish or Ugly Barracudas?

2010-10-15T10:05:00.007-04:00

Can you still find a hope after your dream dies? Today's focus on the family radio broadcast was the second part of a talk with Phil Vischer, the original creator of the famous Veggie Tales. The details of his journey with his dream can be found in today's broadcast, but basically, he was forced to let go of his 10-year worth of work of Veggie Tales because of a bankruptcy. His journey of "being at a hotel eating some strawberries with his wife while talking on the phone with an editor from New York Times" to be "sitting at the back of a court watching his 10-year worth of work being sold at an auction" really spoke to me.

Phil's dream of making a "Christian Walt Disney" became his idol and God had to crush it down in order to grasp his heart. All those times, he believed that God wanted him to establish a Christian Walt Disney. Yet, when he looked back at the whole thing when he was crushed to the bottom being disappointed by God for not coming to rescue him when his business was failing, he finally realized that it was never God's will for him to create a Christian Walt Disney. It was his own will to do so for his own identity and security to be recognized.

He now has a company he named Jelly Telly to remind himself of how he should allow himself to be carried by the "ocean current" like jelly fish. He was more like a barracuda who was trying to impress God by saying, "Look at what I can do!" "Bless me, but get out of my way." (borrowing and paraphrasing Phil's words.)

While listening to it, I was thinking about my own dreams. My dream has been to be a wife and a mother since I was little. And it was my compass while I was making decisions about my life. So, I got married and had kids right away. At the same time as my dream has come true, I started to have more "ideas" about what I want to do. The desire of wanting to make these "ideas" come true has grown since and they became my "dreams" now. Yet, I personally accepted the fact that it was not the time God wanted me to do anything about these dreams, so I hesitantly put them down at the corner of my heart, waiting for the days to come when I can finally go out there and make these dreams come true in my life.

But, I questioned myself today, "Are they really from God?" Or are they my desires to be noticed and recognized? Are they simply for my own fame? Being at home for nearly 10 years, I think I do desire some recognition. Something other than a wife and a mom to identify myself. Or at least for people to know that I exist! Just like Phil, I might be hiding behind my true motivation while trying to convince even myself that my dreams are God's callings.

As I thought about all these things, I almost heard God's saying, "That's why I haven't given you any opportunity to make those dreams happen in your life yet." God saw the nature of a barracuda in me that he can't open the doors for me yet.

Apparently, Jelly fish look just like sandwich bags when they are on the shore even though they are so beautiful in the water. We are truly like Jelly fish: without God, we are just like sandwich bags, but when we let go of ourselves and allow God to carry us in His current, we can be beautiful.

I decided to give those dreams of mine up to God and ask Him to carry me there if they are indeed His callings for me someday. As much as I desire to make my dreams come true one day, I'd rather be like a jelly fish floating beautifully carried by God's current than an ugly barracuda or a "sandwich bag" lying on the see shore, not being what it was made to be.

Just Some Thoughts

2010-09-20T13:45:00.005-04:00

A quiet 30 minutes on a captain's chair enjoying a cup of coffee with a little chocolate tart while the bright sun shines in from the window behind me on a warm fall afternoon is such a treat. What a perfect time to do some writing! I don't know when was the last time I got a moment like that. I had the urge to write something down right there but remembered that our macbook is away with my husband. So, I am now typing this on a desk top in our office, where my imagination and creativity are so limited as it shows in my writing right now.... Well, still, I will just let my thoughts take me to where it will be.

This month, we are enjoying a promotion of Movies on Demand channel for free. Remembering the free offer that will end in 10 days, I ordered A Letter to Juliet to watch. After putting Benjamin, who has fallen asleep during nursing, down in the swing, I was able to sip a cup of coffee with a little chocolate tart for a treat. Although it was a typical "girl movie", one thing really stood out in the movie was passion. The main character is passionate about what she does and her ex fiance is passionate about cooking.

This of course led me to think what my passion is. This question has not been answered for many many years after I had found out that I was not as good as I thought I would be as a mother, which had been my passion since I was a little girl. I don't know if you can call being a mother a passion, but to me, that was all it was. All I wanted to do was being a mother. And worst of all, I believed that I was prepared for it and would be good. Little did I know that the reality would hit me hard and erased all that "illusion" that I had in my head. I Never thought about things other than being a mother as my passion, so here I am now still wondering what I am passionate about. Maybe I do have a passion that I don't even know about, but at this point, I am not certain at all. I do have things that I would like to do but have to put off until later on. I always think how wonderful it would be to be passionate about something.

I think everyone needs it to live life fully. We can still live day after day without passion, but how empty that it. For the past 10 years, my life has been like that. I have functioned without passion, just dealing with or catching up with what's happening in my life. What is my goal in life? What am I aiming for? All of a sudden, I feel like I've wasted so much time just breathing (I can't even call it living) from one day to another without any clear picture of where I am going. I certainly don't want to just survive. Yet, that's what my life has been for the last 10 years. Where did my passion go? Or was there any to begin with? Do I sound depressed? Or discouraged? Maybe. But, at the same time, I am motivated, too to do something about this reality.

I don't want my kids to live life like this. I want them to be passionate about life. In fact, they are passionate about life. But, I think because of my lack of passion for life, I have pulled them down quite often. Their imagination and creativities are always abundant. I have to admit; I haven't been able to encourage them enough in those areas. I try not to discourage them, but if I carefully think back about it, I have been a discouraging mother in those areas.

Proverbs 22:6 says, "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it." We are to train our children in the way THEY should go, not how we want them to go, or how we think they should go. If I don't let them be who they are, how can I train them in the way they should go? Of course I am not talking about letting them go in any ways they want, but rather I am talking about each one of my boys' personality, talent, strength and weaknesses. I have to understanding them well so that I can train them in the way they should go. If I just try to squeeze them into my ways, they will only suffocate.

How interesting it is to start with my passion and end with parenting. Maybe that's where God wanted to take me to today. Well, I think I have enough blah blah blah. I guess once in a while this kind of writing is ok. (Am I comforting myself? Maybe...)

Stepping Out of the Safe Boat (written on April 17, 2009)

2010-08-12T14:59:00.000-04:00

ecently, I have been wondering what I could do from home that will also generate some cash to contribute financially. I've thought about selling hand-made products such as nursing canopies (I found out it was easy to make!).

Just so happened on the Easter weekend, an Avon lady came knocking on my door. I thought about selling Avon before, but lack of motivation prevented me from doing so. This time although Avon wasn't in my option at all, I just thought it's a good opportunity to find out more about it. I thought about canceling the appointment with her, but decided not to. I thought I was just going to learn how Avon works. But, after meeting with her, I figured that it didn't hurt to try. After all, my goal is not to be one of the top selling agents who earn over $30000. (or maybe it should be??) I just wanted to start something flexible enough for me to continue to homeschool and no pressure to other parts of my life. I told her that I would think about it.

That night, I talked to Ed who encouraged me to do so. He's always supportive of what I do or want to do and was even braining storming with me how I can develop this business. I was very encouraged and motivated after talking to him.

Then, I read the daily devotionals on Proverbs 31 women by Amy this morning. She was talking about trusting God and take courage to step out when God calls you like Noah did. I decided to do the same, too. I have had many different ideas of working from home before, but each time, I would give up or erase the idea because of my own fear or possible obstacles. I thought that it was time for me to stepping out of my comfort zone.

So, here I am just a few hours after signing up to be an Avon lady. I am actually excited thinking about how I am going to develop this. I might have to read the "business for dummies" or something because I have no business concept nor any experience. I would need my husband's help and God's guidance for sure. But, I believe it's a great opportunity for me to learn and grow. How exciting when there are a lot of things to learn!

If you have read this blog and would be willing to kindly spread the words, I greatly appreciate it!

Master of Disaster (written on May 1, 2009)

2010-08-12T14:57:00.000-04:00

We have a master of disaster at home. His name is Darren. He used to eat like chickens (according to my dad), leaving crumbs everywhere (which is getting better thankfully). He would pour his drinks on his shirt because he would pour before the cup reaches his mouth. He would switch and mess up all the DVDS and their cases for fun, trying to confuse others. He would pull out all his clothes from his drawers to play a camp out with his stuffed animal friends. He would dump out all the books from the book shelf for some creative ideas in his imaginary play. He would break apart a pen that he's using to draw. The lists goes on and on..... and as a joke, we started to call him, the Master of Disaster. He used to repeat after us and say, "I am the Masda of desasda" when he was young, but then he figured even in his own little mind that it's not a good thing to be called the master of disaster, so he would fight back saying, "I am NOT the master of disaster." But now, he just accepts this dishonorable title.

This morning, as I sat next to him for breakfast, he quietly and sadly said, "I am the master of disaster......" I felt his heart all of a sudden, realizing that he actually believes that he is a master of disaster. I had to tell him that we were just joking with him and that he is NOT a master of disaster. I apologize for calling him that and asked him for his forgiveness. He told me in a very sad way that he was so sad because we called him the master of disaster.

After a little while, he told me that he was sorry to call Ethan a master of disaster. So, I suggested him to apologize to Ethan if that's the case. As soon as Ethan came down the stairs, he did exactly that.

What amazed me was how his heart worked. When he forgave, he was then urged to ask for forgiveness for the same thing he has done to someone else. I can't explain this in a better way, but I learned from his little heart that mercies go around. When you forgive, you will also be forgiven. Then, and only then true peace comes. And of course that we have to be careful what we are telling our kids, for they believe in whatever you tell them now. Shower them with positive and encouraging comments rather than negative ones!

What a precious lesson learned from my 4 year old!

Real Mom Real Jesus... (written on Jan.1, 2010)

2010-08-12T14:48:00.001-04:00

One of the books I recently bought is called "Real Moms, Real Jesus..." by Jill Savage. And I can't believe how much revelation, encouragement, inspiration, and motivation I got out from this book! What a wonderful Christmas and New Year's present the Lord has given me this year!

Being a Christian for over 10 years, I have heard, known, and believed that Jesus understands everything we are going through. Why not? He is God and omnipotent, right? But I never really thought of the possibility that I can totally relate to Him as a mom and that he can totally understand how we feel as a mom. After all, He was never a mom, right?

But, Jill Savage painted and showed me how Jesus perfectly relate to us mothers in our daily lives! This revelation brought Jesus so much more closer to me in my everyday life. When I am doing my everyday routine as a mom, I feel comforted that Jesus knows how I feel and what I am going through.

Although He was never a mom, Jesus' life was full of the same things that we go through as moms: non-stop interruption, "popularity" with the crowds that constantly followed Him, disappointment that he felt towards people including his own disciples, constant physical and emotional exhaustion, etc. etc.

When we see Jesus from this perspectives, we can totally relate to Him as our best friend. When I get to have a chance to hang out with other moms, I feel reenergized and refreshed and am able to go extra miles. Now I know that Jesus can be my best "mom" friend! This helped me to see Jesus as Someone who is in my life rather than a supernatural figure who's high up there.

Not only that I learned this wonderful truth about the relationship we can have with Jesus in a practical way, but also have I learned how to keep the peace and close relationship with God in the midst of craziness from everyday life from Jesus' examples. It is possible to keep our focus on God while we go through the ministry of motherhood. I desperately needed this revelation before our #3 comes in 10 more weeks when our lives will surely be turned upside down for a while. And to be honest, I was starting to panic a little bit wondering if I can survive it with sanity... well, now I know I can!

I highly recommend every mom to read this book!

A Sneak Peek to September

2010-07-23T14:41:00.003-04:00

This week, the boys have attended a Vocational Bible School at a local church here in Alliston. It was only for the mornings from 9am-12pm. This forces us to go to bed early and get up early. At the same time it gave me a whole morning just to be with Ben. Although Ben is still clinging and unless he's asleep in the sling on my chest, I can't do much, I had a sneak peek of what is to come from September. This is the first time I actually had time to myself (sort of) apart from the boys in terms of sending them to some programs. So far, every church programs they have attended, I was there with them. It felt a little weird at the beginning, but I kind of enjoyed this little break. :)

They seemed to have a great time everyday and were excited about going back the next day. I am very pleased to know this and also was glad to meet wonderful christians here in town. Maybe Ed's right; I have to make friends here in town. Having the kids attend some local programs certainly is a way to be exposed to people here in Alliston. I have always felt kind of uncomfortable to be with white people because of the cultural difference. Even though I speak English now, not growing up here makes me feel so foreign in a white community. Because of this, I have been sheltering myself from "unnecessary encounters" with even our neighbours. But, I guess that's another hurdle I have to overcome in my life.

Through this, again I realized that I care so much about how people view me. I have met many minority people whose English is not native, yet, they were right in the middle of the group being themselves. This past week, I felt God's nudging me and telling me to be myself and not care so much about how people will think about me. He wants me, too, to gloom as who He made me to be. I feel like a heavy load being lifted up from my shoulder. Now, I feel more courage in me to step into the community.

School from September

2010-07-22T15:38:00.004-04:00

I have mentioned about Dareth's (Darren & Ethan) schooling in the previous entry. That was another lesson learned for me. Ever since the end of my third trimester until first 2 months after Ben was born, I wasn't able to put enough effort and energy into the boys' schooling, nor in having disciplined daily schedules. They were let loose for a few months, which resulted in very disobedient sons with bad attitudes.... As I started to feel my limit in homeschooling while taking care of an infant, Ed also was considering other options. Finally we agreed on sending them to school from September.

Now the question is where? We had three options: public school, a christian private school here in town and our church school 50 minutes away. I was trying to avoid sending them to public school at all cost, especially after I learned about the new sex education curriculum that was planned to be put in practice from September. But the reality was that we could not afford a private school with a tuition of close to $20,000 a year. In my mind, I tried to get involved with our church school even though that means we have to commute 50 minutes one way everyday. I was ready to commit even with a baby. But, Ed had another idea; public school was what's in his mind. Knowing this, I had been avoiding talking about the issue, trying to avoid the tension. I prayed, "Lord if it's your will for the boys to continue in Christian Education, please provide us a way and change Ed's mind." But He didn't. As I continue to seek a way to send them to either christian school, God worked in my heart. He patiently and persistently talked to me through my daily devotionals, personal bible study, and other ways to trust in Him and Him alone, not the environment, not the teachers, not the students, not the education policies, nor the curriculum and to submit to my husband's leading.

Finally I decided to obey God and let go of my plans for my boys. I brought up the schooling of the boys that night and although it started with a tensed conversation, we were able to communicate our ideas to each other. Or I should say, most part was to hear what my husband had to say and say yes to that. It wasn't easy to get there, but once I did, finally I was able to have a sense of peace.

While I tried to find a way to avoid sending them to public school, I contacted the Christian school here in town for their tuition. They were readjusting it and told me that they would get back to me after it's decided. On the e-mail, they also invited us to a school tour if we would like. Since we had decided to send the boys to public school, I didn't know if Ed wanted to have that tour. But, to my surprise, he said yes to the school tour and so we arranged to have one in the coming week. Meanwhile, we found out that they had decided to reduce the tuition by 25% and the amount was for the whole family! At the same time, Ed has mentioned to me the first time that he was thinking about a way to pay their tuition because he really wanted to send them to Christian school. Wow, I thought, still was peaceful and sure that we would send the boys to public school.

We had a wonderful experience with the school tour. We were so pleased and impressed by how friendly the atmosphere was at the school from the principle, to the secretary, to students, and then parents. Parents who saw us waiting in the hallway came to greet us and welcomed us to the school and reassured us that we would not regret our decision. (which is good to know!) We just really enjoyed the experience and became so sure that we wanted the boys to go there. By the end of the day, the boys had taken the entry exams, the deposit was made, and applications turned in. We came home and was speechless of what had just happened.... but with a sense of peace, joy, and excitement! The boys were able to participate in their own classes and had a sneak peak of what it's like to be in a classroom and were totally in love with it. In fact, they can't wait to start attending the school! (which is another good thing to know).

Again, God has taught me a lesson. I have been His stumbling block this whole time!!! The more I tried to arrange the boys schooling, the more I was interfering with God's work. Once as soon as I let go, He came in and worked His plan for us perfectly. I really need to give my head a shake!!! How come I keep on making the same mistake! Of course God knows the best what my boys need! And He loves them way more than I can imagine. I need to remember that they are His children and I am just a steward to raise them here on earth. Thank you God for another precious lesson. Thank you for your patience with me. Again, I thank God with a repentant heart...

A Whole New Life or Is it Really?

2010-04-29T12:49:00.004-04:00

Wow. It's been 4 months since I last posted an entry. What have I been so busy during these last 4 months??? Oh, yeah. I gave birth! Thanks to many caring friends and family's prayers, our little Benjamin came out safe and sound on March 8th at 10:40pm, weighing 7lbs 3oz. (3260g) and 51cm long. The labour was long for the third one (20 hours), but the contractions were well spaced out, which made it a lot easier for me to endure without any medication. The nurses weren't totally convinced that I was in active labour, for I was talking and laughing with them. (Am I an expert by now? :p) As soon as the worst pain of the day hit, Benjamin came out after less than 5 minutes of pushing. He came out so perfectly with a very clean body and face and a perfectly shaped head. In this way, we became parents of 3 that night.

Two and a half months have past since that night, and we are well adjusted to having three boys. Or should I say that we are aware now if one of them is missing. :p These first few months have been challenging to me from time to time. My dear husband had decided to take an promotional exam just 2 weeks after the birth, which means that he was not available due to study before and after the birth. Yes, I have resented him for choosing this probably THE craziest time in our life together so far to take that exam. But, God has His way to correct my attitude and I have learned and grown from this experience, mostly endurance, patience, and forgiveness....(:p) And thankfully, he did pass the exam! Hallelujah! Praise the Lord, for my sacrifice (and Ed's, I guess? :p) was not wasted! I know he chose to take the exam in the craziest time not by his wanting but because he wanted to give us a better life. Thank you, hon for your sleepless week prior to your exam!

Another eventful thing my dear husband has put me through is a week alone with 2 active boys and a physically demanding infant. Yes., I admit, it took me a long time to get over the fact that he would be gone for a week and I won't have any help at all! But, again, once God has shown me the correct attitude to have and I have lifted my situation up to His hands, he has shown me His love and care through friends who came to visit with homemade food and friends who are brave enough to take my boys over for a sleep-over so that I could have a break and some time alone after Ed comes back! I am just so speechless thinking how much they are doing for us!!! Through this experience, I did gain confidence and independence from Ed as God has stretched my limit to the maximum each day. I realized that I have relied on my husband for many things and was fearful of taking any step further to expand my capability of handling things. But, God has again shown me that when I rely on Him, anything is possible. For that, I am very thankful, for this can open the door for me to other possibilities in my life yet to come.

I have "wrestled" with God a lot in the last few months trying to get my ways in many things, one of them being the boys' schooling from September. (will talk about it in a separate blog), but whatever the issue was, the core problem was about my attitude. I wanted to have my own ways. However, He has taught me to submit to Him and my husband. He wants me to learn to trust HIm and Ed. I know one of my problems is to want to have control over everything, which means I can't let go of certain things and am not trusting God 100%. I can see that He is working in this matter in my life right now. As much as I am scared and worried, I want to gear these feelings toward prayers instead. Instead of being scared and worried about "what ifs", I want to use that energy and time to pray.

Seems like more changes will come this year and although I don't know where God is taking us to at the end of the year or at the end of 10 years, what I know is that He is leading us and He is here with us every step we take. That alone is enough.

"Aliens Before Snack Time" Chapter 1 by Ethan

2009-12-16T20:50:00.003-05:00

Ethan has tried his first attempt to write a book, being inspired by Magic Treehouse series books. You might have to know the books and some boys' favourite cartoon shows to understand the content. Briefly, it's a story about a boy Jack and his sister Annie having adventures through books that will take them to different parts of the world in different time of the history. Although the writing format is the same as Magic Treehouse books, he wrote this by pure memory without having the books in front of him. We really enjoyed his imagination and how he incorporated himself in the story. It brought us lots of laughter tonight. :) So, here it goes....

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Wake up, Jack!"
Jack looked up. Annie was at Jack's door way.

"Alright, what is it?" Jack asked.
"The treehouse. It's back!" said Annie with excitement.
"Okay." said Jack. He was in his clothes, even Annie.

They went outside, and their dad called, "Are you going to have a snack first?"
"After a walk!" Jack called back. They ran into the woods and searched the treetops till they got to the tallest oak in the woods. They went up the rope ladder and found a boy as the same age as Annie sleeping in a corner and a note from Morgan:
"Dear Jack and Annie, Camelot is in trouble! Find 4 things to save the kingdom: a thing from a swap, a thing from a Teen Titan, a thing from a Jedi, a thing from half-ghostboy. from Morgan. p.s., this boy's smart and will guide you!"

"Really!!!" Yelled Annie.
"Shhhh." Whispered Jack.
But it was too late. The boy woke up with a yelp. "Who, What, Where!" said the boy.
"My name is Ethan." said the boy, seeing Jack and Annie. Ethan pointed at an open book.
"Morgan told me that this was the book you needed." he said. The book's cover was "Super-Aliens."
Jack pointed to the books' cover. "I wish we could go there." he said.

The wind started to blow.
The treehouse started to spin.
It spun faster and faster, till everything was still.
Absolutely Still.

When Moms Pray Together

2009-12-07T09:14:00.002-05:00

This desire of praying with other women has been gently but surely stayed in my heart for years. As I was going through an online store to get some books, the title "When Moms Pray Together" caught my eyes. immediately, I clicked "add to cart". The book came within a week and I have dug into it like a starving person munching on a roasted chicken. I just finished chapter 2, but I am already so encouraged and inspired. The next step is to be the "doer, not just the hearer".

One of the things that spoke to me was "Children are fragile; handle with love and prayer." Love and prayer. Both something that hasn't been in my priority of parenting. Not that I didn't think they were important, but of all the immediate urgent "problems" like behaviours, manners, obedience, etc. etc., Love and prayer have slipped off my priority list, desperately trying to fix the problems. I can't believe that I have been doing backwards all these years!!!! Love and prayer should have come first when I have more problems.

Another thing this mom learned was that "the battle was within her and about her---not about her little girl." How come I didn't realize this? It says my situation perfectly as well. The battle is NOT about my son, but within me. That's why although I get revelation from time to time, I slip back to my old self and going through the same struggles over and over again. I was focusing on the wrong thing!

God has really challenged me to pray and pray with other women about my children. And He has revealed to me that the purpose of praying however is not for me to get what I desire for my sons, to have an easier journey in parenting, to get a credit for a good job that I might do in raising my children, or to let my children have an easier life, but simply to glorify our Heavenly Father. God wants me to align my desires with His so that His will can be manifested in mine and my children's lives.

マスター　オブ　デザスター

2009-05-01T09:26:00.003-04:00

他のブログサイトで記載したものです。日本語に訳する時間がちょっとないので英語のまま載せます。たまには英語もいいかな。って只の口実？　

We have a master of disaster at home. His name is Darren. He used to eat like chickens (according to my dad), leaving crumbs everywhere (which is getting better thankfully). He would pour his drinks on his shirt because he would pour before the cup reaches his mouth. He would switch and mess up all the DVDS and their cases for fun, trying to confuse others. He would pull out all his clothes from his drawers to play a camp out with his stuffed animal friends. He would dump out all the books from the book shelf for some creative ideas in his imaginary play. He would break apart a pen that he's using to draw.

The lists goes on and on..... and as a joke, we started to call him, the Master of Disaster. He used to repeat after us and say, "I am the Masda of desasda" when he was little, but then he figured even in his own little mind that it's not a good thing to be called the master of disaster, so he would fight back saying, "I am NOT the master of disaster." But now, he just accepts this dishonorable title.

This morning, as I sat next to him for breakfast, he quietly and sadly said, "I am the master of disaster......" I felt his heart all of a sudden, realizing that he actually believes that he is a master of disaster. I had to tell him that we were just joking with him and that he is NOT a master of disaster. I apologize for calling him that and asked him for his forgiveness. He told me in a very sad way that he was so sad because we called him the master of disaster.

After a little while, he told me that he was sorry to call Ethan a master of disaster. So, I suggested him to apologize to Ethan if that's the case. As soon as Ethan came down the stairs, he did exactly that.

What amazed me was how his heart worked. When he forgave, he was then urged to ask for forgiveness for the same thing he has done to someone else. I can't explain this in a better way, but I learned from his little heart that mercies go around. When you forgive, you will also be forgiven. Then, and only then true peace comes. And of course that we have to be careful what we are telling our kids, for they believe in whatever you tell them now. Shower them with positive and encouraging comments rather than negative ones!

What a precious lesson learned from my 4 year old!

2009-04-17T10:18:00.003-04:00

今朝、私がまだ眠いのに駿と聖はもう、元気満々で私のベッドに入ってきて２人で話始めた。「遊ぶんなら自分たちの部屋に行きなさい」を数回繰り返したら、やっと一人にしてくれた。それからしばらくして私もようやく起きられる体力が出て来て（起きるのに体力いるなんて、歳だなぁ〜）起きてみたら、ぬいぐるみが思ってた通り、あっちこっちに散らかっていた。ここ何日か２人ともぬいぐるみと、キャンプをしたりして遊んでいたので、まだ飽きてないんだなぁなんて思いながら一階におりて朝食の支度をした。

今、朝食が終わり、ホームスクールを始めようと上に来たら、ぬいぐるみが本棚の上やテーブルの上などに散らかってるのにまた気づいて、聖に「片付けなさい」って言ったら、「でも、ぬいぐるみ達はまだ写真を見てるよ。」って言われて、よーく見てみると、どのぬいぐるみも飾ってある写真に向いているのに気づいた。「そうだったの。』と私は思わず笑ってしまった。　それが分かった上でまた見てみると可愛くて思わずカメラのシャッターを押していた。　毎回、こんな風に子供の想像力の豊かさを見せられると、私は自分の想像力がどれだけかけているか思い知らされる。大人になると、現実にしか目がいかなくなって想像力を働かせるゆとりもなくなるんだな〜って反省。歳をとっても、ベッドから起きられる体力がどんどん減っていっても、想像力はなくさないように頑張らないと！　子供に教わることは限りなくある。

子供の心を導く。

2009-04-15T08:56:00.004-04:00

ここ２、３日、どうして自分は優しくなれないのだろうって思う。今分かったことではないけど、つくづく、嫌になる。　最近、駿と聖のお絵描きの中に私はよく登場する。怒った顔で、、、中には怒った私の顔の横に「危険」って表示までされてるのもある。あの子達の中では私はこんなイメージなんだなぁって思うと、情けないやら、悲しいやら。どっちにしろ、失敗感で一杯の私である。

そんなんで、数年前に読んだ「Shepherding　a　Child's　Heart」という育児の本をまた手に取って読み始めた。最初の数ページから私はがっくり来た。育児とは子供のために全力を尽くすこと。　自分の都合で子育てをしたら、子供はすぐに分かってしまう。成長した子供が家をすぐにでも出たいって思わないような居心地の良い家庭は子供の心に必要なものをちゃんと満たしている家庭である。こんなコメントを読んで私は改めてこのままいくと駿も聖も１８才になった途端、家を飛び出すだろうなって思った。

育児とは子供の行いや態度を正すだけではなく、子供の心に触れることだ。いろいろと育児の本を読んできて、一番大事なことを何度も耳にはしたものの、本当に心に入ってきたのは今回が初めて。　今まで私は行いや態度を正すことばっかりに目がいってて、一番大事な心を忘れていた。子供との心のつながりもなく、言うことを聞けっていうのは自分勝手なことである。

私は今日も神様にすがりながら、私のことを変えてくれるのを祈りつつ、そのうち、息子達のお絵描きの中に笑顔の優しいお母さんとして登場できることを目指す。

無条件の愛

2009-04-10T08:49:00.003-04:00

人生の中で、無条件の愛を得られること、得られる人は幸せだ。無条件に人を愛せることは簡単なことじゃない。子供のためならと思ってる親はほとんどでしょうけど、本当に自分の期待なく、子供をそのまま受け入れて愛している親は何人いるでしょう。私自身、人を無条件に愛することは最大の課題である。　

今までも無条件の愛というものに失望させられたことが何度かある。自分の一番信頼している大切な人達が自分を愛していると疑いなく信じていたのにいざとなった時は自分達の方が可愛かったということをしっかりとみせられて、無条件の愛なんてないって現実を見せられた気分だった。そう言ってる私も無条件に人を愛したことがあるのだろうかと思ってみると、やっぱり自分の方が可愛くて、自分のエゴ優先していた。

今日の復活祭の特別集会で、牧師さんはこう言った。愛することの反対は自己中心である。　本当にそうだと思う。人を本当に愛せるのは自己というものが無くなった時である。　自己を優先しているうちは人を愛するとは言えないのでは。　例えば、子供が言うことを聞かないから勘当する、家から追い出すなど、親は子供を自分の正しいと思う方向へと進ませようとする。でも、期待に外れた子供を同じように愛せないのはやっぱり、自己を優先しているからだ。本当の無条件の愛は相手がどんなであれ、見返りなしに愛することではないのだろうか。

キリストはこれを完璧にこなした。彼は誰から何をも望まなかった。ただ、自分の命を犠牲にすることでこの世の人々を救うという任務のために生まれて来た。この世の全ての罪を一人で背負って、十字架にかけられた。無条件に愛するというのがどんなことか見せてくれた。　

キリストが処刑され、そして復活することを記念する復活祭がやってきた今週末、そうして愛してくれるキリストに感謝しながら、無条件に人を愛せるための色んな試練に前向きに向かい合おうと思う。

最大のチャレンジ

2009-03-22T23:02:00.003-04:00

風邪のせいにしたくはないけど、体の体調が悪いと、忍耐力も薄れてくる。先週、やっと体調が戻ってきたと思ってたら、常にイライラしている自分に気づいた。そのイライラがつもり、ついには大声で怒鳴っている自分がいた。そんな自分に嫌けがさし、火曜日の夜懺悔の涙を流した。夫が明日はまた新しい一日と慰めてくれて、ふたりでもっと子供に優しくしようと心に決めた。

駿の状態は前の記述でもちょっと述べたけど、多動性障害、もしくはアスペルガーズ症という、軽症の自閉症の傾向があり、２歳以降、特別な子だというのがだんだん明らかに見えてきた。（多動性障害、アスペルガーズ症についてはまたのブログで話そう。）最初、ほかの子達と違うな〜なんて思いながらも、あまり真剣に考えてもいなく、ただ言うことを聞かない子だということで頭を悩ましていた。それと生活上のほかのストレスで、私は児童発達の専攻をしたにも関わらず、子育てに悪戦苦闘していた。大学で習ったことも本で読んだことも頭では分かってはいたものの、実際は怒鳴り声の耐えない日々が続いていた。自分でも、こんなにも怒りが心の中にあることに気付いた時は怖くなった。５歳にも満たない自分の子にたいして、憎しみをもったような接し方しかできなかった。毎日反省するものの、毎日同じことを繰り返し、私は精神病院行きになるのではと本当に怖くなった日のことを今でも、生々しく覚えている。　

毎日、失敗から少しづつ学んではいたものの、これではだめだって本当に心から思えて、私が変わるきっかけになったのは駿が常に怒りをもってることに気づいたからだ。三歳か四歳のころ、つもりにつもった怒りがあの小さい心から溢れ出していた。このままでは駿がだめになる。そのことに気づいて、初めて私は変わり始めることが出来た。

聖はまだ赤ちゃんだったから、駿が４歳の時、駿がすごく大きく見えて、もう私がついてなくても自立して、ほかの子達と遊べる歳だ。なんて大喜びして、友達と集まった時は駿をほかの子達と一人で遊ばせることが多くなった。でも、私は駿がまだ私の助けを常に必要としていることにはまだ気づいてなかった。　子供のけんかに親が出てもってずっと思ってて、駿が何かをいってきても私は　”じゃ、ほかの子達と遊びなさい”　ってしかアドバイスしてなかった。数ヶ月後、ほったらかしにしていた子供達の関係がエスカレートしていて、ほかの子達にいじめられている我が子を目にした時は心が痛くてどうすればいいか分からなかった。この頃にはすでに駿はほかの子達とは何かが違うって確信してたので、この子はこのまま、こんな人生を送るのか　と思った時は悲しくて涙が止まらなかった。でも、何よりも悔しくて情けなかったのはそれで動揺して、きちんと対処出来なかったことだ。駿のことを守れてあげれなかったこともほったらかしにしたことも、いじめを目撃して、何も出来なかったことも全て、自分は学校の勉強だけで、人として何を学んできたのか、、、その後、いじめた子達の親もその子達と話をして、２、３年かかったけど、今はその子達も大きくなり、ちゃんと駿の特別な所を受け入れてくれて、仲良くしてくれるようになった。私達、親の祈りがかなって、本当に神様に感謝で一杯。

私の子育て奮闘記はこんな感じで始まり、親になって６年半、まだまだ学ぶことは限りなくあり、毎日が学習の日々だけど、二歩進んで、一歩下がるペースであっても、前にちゃんと進みたい。

甦る

2009-03-17T10:57:00.004-04:00

ここ一週間、家族みんなで、数日間寝込むほどのひどい風邪をひいた。やっと熱はひいて、体の調子もほぼ正常にもどったかな。でも、体力はまだだな〜。　一つ一つの動きに　はぁ〜、はぁ〜、いいながらなんとかやらなければいけないことをこなしているけど。　

今、カナダは春休み中。良いお天気にも恵まれて、毎日太陽が眩しく、暖かい日々。なのに、私達は家の中にこもりっきり。　春休み特別プログラムが教会で行われていて、私も本当はいろいろと手伝うはずだったのに、それもできなくて、申し訳ない気持ちでいっぱい。　でも、明日と明後日は参加できそうだから、最後の二日だけでも顔を出そうと思ってる。

駿と聖もけんかするほど体の調子が戻ったみたいだし。

と、ここまでは数日前に書いたもの。今日は金曜日。私達の体調も普通にもどり、教会のプログラムに２日参加できて、外の暖かいお天気も満喫できて、今日は家でリラックス。としたいところだけど、風邪で寝こんでたので、家の中は散らかし状態、、、、今日はちゃんと家の中掃除するぞ！って決心したけど、いまいちやる気がでない、、、、、　で、こうしてブログを書いてしまっている。

体の調子がよくなると、やることが一杯出てきて、掃除なんか本当はしたくない、、、、　こんな時、お手伝いさんがいればなぁ〜なんて思ってしまうのよね。　私の２人の“お手伝いさん”は手伝ってもらえばもらうほど、もっとやることがでてくるんだよね。それでも、２人ともちゃんと分担された仕事はあるんだけど。

こうして、書くこともなく、ただひたすらだらだらするよりも、さっさと掃除しちゃおうかな、、、きっと終わったら、やってよかった〜って思えるでしょう。

甘～いお昼

2009-03-05T22:53:00.003-05:00

数週間前、オートミールレーズンクッキーがすごく食べたくなり、そういえば、レサピーブックあったな～と思い出して、早速クッキー作りに取り組みかかろうとしたら、レーズンがないことに気づき、チョコレートチップクッキーに変更。それで気づいたんだけど、以外と簡単だった。

オートミールクッキーを作っていたら、駿が台所に来て、手伝いたい！って言ってくれたんだけど、もう、ほとんど終わってたから、チョコレートチップクッキーも作ることにした。結局、すべてを終えて気がついたらもう、夕飯を仕度する時間になった。忙しい時って時間が過ぎるのが速い！

でも、オートミールレーズンクッキーもチョコレートチップクッキーも大成功だったのでよかったよかった。

実は私、最近全然料理に時間をかける気がなく、独身のころはシュウマイや他の凝った料理にもチャレンジ精神があったけど、今はメニューもマンネリ化してしまって、夫は文句なく食べてくれてるけど、自分でも我慢できなくなって、もっとレパートリーを増やさなきゃって思うようになった。（しっかり反省、、、）

一昨年、台湾に帰ったときに韓国料理の本を買ってきた。韓国ドラマを見てると、おいしそうな料理がたくさん出てきて、食べた～いっていつも思ってた。しかも私たちの教会は韓国人２世で始まったので（今はインド人から、黒人から、中国系など、大分インターナショナルになったけど）こっちで知り合った友達は韓国人がほとんど。だから、韓国料理をごちそうしてもらったりと、韓国文化とこんなにも親しくなるなんて思っても見なかったけど。考えてみると面白いなって思う。運命なのかもしれない。韓国人と結婚しなかったのが不思議なくらい。（笑）

ということでこれからはもっと料理に精を出そうと思う。

私たちにそんな権利はあるのだろうか

2009-03-03T00:02:00.006-05:00

昨日、夫が　Youtube　でClay Dyer というバス釣りのプロのクリップを見せてくれた。最初、私はあまり見る気もなく、横からちらちらとしか見ていなかった。Clay がインタビューされている画面で、釣りに全然興味のない私はちょっとつまらないって思ってた。私の目を捉えたのはその後の画面で、なんと、腕も足もなく、頭と胴体だけで移動している人だった。Clay は生まれた時から腕と足がなかった。お母さんは生まれてきた赤ちゃんのClay を見て気絶しそうになったという。そんなClay は義足や義手（というんだっけ？）をつけてあげると提供されたのにも関わらず、生まれたままの自分を受け入れて、大切にしていた。だから、釣りも口を使って誰の助けもなく、自分でしている。そして、なんと、腕も足もなしで水泳までできる。そのほかにロッククライミングやバスケなどたくさんのスポーツも小さいころからこなして来た。Clay は特別扱いされたくないし、自分も自分を特別だと思ったことがないので、他の人のように普通に普通のことをしたいと言っていた。

（駿も横で見ていたので、ここはチャンスとばかりに、私は“見てごらん、彼は腕も足もないけど、釣りや水泳までもできるんだよ。これからはもう、'できない'って言うのやめようね。”とかいろいろ説教した。駿はちょっとでも困難になると、すぐあきらめてしまうので、こんな人がいるのをしっかり覚えてほしい。）

ちょっと話が反れたけど、私はそのクリップを見て、もし、妊娠中に自分の赤ちゃんがClay のような体だと分かったのなら、きっと多くの人は中絶してただろなって思った。　障害の持つ子供を持ったら大変な思いをするという理由もあるだろうし、生まれてこないほうが子供のためってもっともな理由のように聞こえる理由もあるだろう。　でも、Clay　を見ても分かるように、彼が生きていることによって、家族や身の周りの人だけではなく私のように見知らぬ人にまでも勇気が与えられた。　そしてClay 自身生き生きと輝いて生きている。障害があるからこの世に生まれてこない方がいい人なんていない。　そう、私は固く信じている。

同じように、Rick Hoyt は生まれた時にへその緒が首に巻きついて、首から下植物人間になった。でも、彼のお父さんはそんな大人になった息子と一緒にトライアスロンをしている。ボートに乗せて、引っ張りながら泳ぎ、ストローラーで押しながらマラソンをし、後ろに乗せて自転車に乗る。是非、ビデオクリップのリンクで感動的なクリップを見てみて。（左の欄にあります。）

似たような話だけど、前にある小冊子でこんなストーリーを読んだ。あるお医者さんがある出産に立ちあったときの話。その出産は赤ちゃんが逆子のために難産で、足が出てきたとき、そのお医者さんは　“はっ”としたそうだ。　　明らかに片足が短く、その赤ちゃんは障害を持って生きることになる。彼の心の中で、ほんの一瞬、“数分間だけもうちょっと長引かせば、赤ちゃんは生きて生まれてくることはなく、障害を持った人生を送らなくてもすむ。もともと難産だし、誰も、真実は知らない。”という思いが頭をかすったらしい。でも、幸い、そのお医者さんの自覚が戻って、その赤ちゃんは足の障害以外は健康に生まれてきた。　それから２０年後、お医者さんはあるピアニストのコンサートに出席した。コンサートの後、若くてきれいなピアニストがびっこをひいてお医者さんに歩みよってきて、“私のこと覚えていますか？　私は２０年前あなたが難産でとりあげた赤ちゃんです。”と。そして、無事に生まれてきたことのお礼を言った。お医者さんは改めて、私たちのだれにも“誰が生まれてくる権利があって誰が生まれてくる権利がない”と決めることができないと教えられた。そして、神がその人を創り上げたのなら、その目的があるはずだからと。

私も同感である。いとも簡単に中絶を避妊の手段としている人たちが多くいるけど、小さくても、母親が感じることができなくても、まだ、超音波にも写るほど大きくなくても、命はもう、始まっているのだから。　去年の秋、私は妊娠９週目で流産してしまった。夫も私も、三人目の子が欲しくて準備万端で三回目の妊娠に挑んだだけに、そのショックと悲しさはしばらく続いた。９週目では本当に妊娠してるのか自分でもたまに疑ってしまうほど、まだ体にも大きな変化はなくて、それでも、たったの９週間でもう、赤ちゃんとの絆はちゃんと育っている。そして、赤ちゃんもちゃんと生きている。

昨日のクリップを見て、私は改めて、誰にも、ひとつの命を途絶える権利がないと思った。

Clay Dyer とDick Hoyt　のクリップは左の“ビデオクリップ”のリンクで見れます。

再び、励まされる

2009-03-01T21:26:00.005-05:00

ホームスクール四年めにして、私がずっと目指しているのはもっと子供たちと一緒にいろんなプロジェクトをすること。口実になるけど、ADHD (過動児）の疑いがある６歳の息子と四歳半のわんぱくな息子を教えるのは実はとても大変なことで、途中、何度も私には無理と思ったことが数え切れないほどある。他の子たちには優しく、我慢強く接することができても、どうしてか、自分の子供に対しては鬼婆のようになる。これが理由で、ホームスクールを一度は考えた人たちも、やっぱり、だめって思って、あきらめる人たちが多い。実際、私たちがホームスクールをしていることを知ると、最初のリアクションは必ず、"私にはできない、、、忍耐力ないから、自分の子に対しては。”である。　これは私が一番身にしみて、分かる。

そんなんで、私も、実は去年まで、怒りながら、叫びながら、怒鳴りながら、教えてきた。　子供は最悪な自分を引き出すとはよくいうけど、それにホームスクールを加えると、自分でも知らない自分を見ることになる。長い間、そんな険悪な自分を見させられて、自分に対して、嫌悪の毎日だった。　と同時に、一秒もじっと座ってられない、全然集中できない、その他もろもろといろんな問題点がある駿をどうしたら手助けできるのか私は全く方向を失って途方にくれていた。

そんな感じで、始めたころははっきりしていたホームスクールの目的も、目標も私の頭の中から消えていた。気づいたら、子供たちの重要科目を終えて、自分の時間をもつことが楽しみになっている自分がいた。さらに、Youtube で日本、韓国、台湾のドラマなどが見れるようになって、１０年以上も、接することのなかった日本と台湾の文化が懐かしく、韓国のドラマは新鮮で、私はしっかりはまってしまった。毎日反省しながらも、次の日も、次の日も同じことを繰り返し、自分がどんどんいやになっていく。

そんな日々を繰り返していたとき、先日、あるブログ　Designer　のサイトをたまたま訪れた。で、発見したのは彼女は８人の子供をホームスクールしていて、しかも、自分で　Web design　を勉強して、今ではそれで自分の会社をもっている。　私は何をしてるんだ！って思った。今まで、どんだけの時間と体力を無駄にしてきたか、、、、８人のこどもをホームスクールしながら、自分の会社を持つになるまで、自力で勉強して、彼女は本当に輝いていると思った。私もあんな風になりたい！（勿論、８人の子持ちになることではない。）彼女のサイトを訪ねてから、やる気と元気が出てきた。私は再びに励まされて、また、ホームスクールの目標を考えされられた。

駿は今でも、椅子から落ちるし、（これは、私は今でも、どうして、椅子から落ちられるのかが不思議でしょうがないけど、、、）私の目を見てても、言った事が全然頭に入ってないし、突然、机の下に隠れるしで、“特別”なところは全然変わらないけど、私は“燃料”をしっかり満タンにして、また歩き出す。

ちなみに彼女のブログサイトは　“マイ　ブログ　リスト”の　My Home Sweet Home　をクリックするとご覧になれます。

この調子、この調子

2009-03-01T21:03:00.003-05:00

今日、教会の後、教友率いる、Fitness　にまた参加した。今日で、二回目だけど、先週７年半ぶりに激しい運動をしたので、その次の日の月曜日、私は立つことも、座ることも、笑うことも、何をするにも、老人のようにゆっくりとしかできないほどの筋肉痛になった。　（ほんと、情けない、、、、）その筋肉痛も木曜になってやっとよくなり、（四日も必要だなんて、ほんと、年取ったな～ってしみじみと思う。）本当にところ、今日はちょっと参加したくない気分だった。でも、今日、ヘルニアの痛みが特別激しい夫でも参加すると決心してるのを見て、私は励まされた。参加できない理由なかったし、こんなにあきらめが早い自分が情けなかった。今日は駿と聖も引き連れて参加した。家族ぐるみで参加してる人たちがほとんどで、子供たちは遊び半分だけど、ちゃんと腹筋や、空気椅子、腕立て伏せなど、全部こなしていた。駿と聖も、途中で、文句でも言ってあきらめるのかと思ったら、ちゃんと最後までついてきた。家族でなにかをするのがこんなに楽しいなんて初めて知った。　Homeschool　をしているものの、実は今まで、駿と聖と家族ぐるみで何かをすることはめったになかった。今年はふたりとも大きくなったので、キャンプや、つりなど、アウトドアのスポーツを皆で楽しみたいと計画している。

でも、今日、先週に比べると、大分、体が慣れているのが感じられた。一週間でこんなにも違うなんてびっくり。明日は軽い筋肉痛ですむことを祈る。この調子、この調子。

ホームスクール

2009-02-28T21:26:00.004-05:00

私達は家庭学校（ホームスクール）という選択をして、私が自宅で子供達を教えています。家庭学校を耳にしたのはまだ私が独身のころで　“あ〜、そんなことができるんだ。”ってくらいにしか思ってなくて、まさか自分がホームスクールをすることになるなんて想像もしませんでした。

そんな私がホームスクールを考慮し始めたのは上の息子、駿のスピーチが異常に遅れていたことがきっかけでした。三歳になっても、片手で数えられるくらいの単語しか話せなくて、それが原因でなのか、周りの人とのコミュニーケーションがうまくとれないでいるのが目につくようになったのです。色んなプログラムに参加しても、有り余る体力と集中の無さで、しっかり目立っていました。たまに、先生達にもよく思われてない様子にも気付き、私はこれではどんな学校生活になるのかがもう想像できるようでした。駿はとても賢い子でアルファベットも、１−２０の数字も、４８ピースのパズルも三歳で簡単にこなせてました。だから、学習力に問題がないのは確信できたのです。それなら、学校生活で、もしいじめに合ったり、先生から問題児だとレッテル張られたりして、心理に傷がつくことで、学習力に影響したり、いやな学校生活を送るよりも、家庭学校の方がふさわしいのではと思ったのです。

幸い、私たちの周りで実際にホームスクールをしてた教友が数人いたので、ホームスクールがどういうものなのか私たちは目にすることができたのです。それと同時に私もホームスクールに関する本を読み始めて、ホームスクールについて知れば知るほど、その目的とそれをサポートする論理に納得されられました。

私は日本で育ったので、北米の教育システムは大学のしか知らなくて、小学、中学、高校の真実を知れば知るほど私の子供達にはそんな教育システムで育って欲しくないというのがはっきりしてきたのです。

でも、実は夫は反対でした。ホームスクールなんて、子供の将来をかけるようなまねは出来なかったのです。私は失望したものの、夫の気持ちは理解できました。実は私も、自分の中で葛藤していたからです。　ホームスクールに魅せられてはいたものの、英語が母語でもない私が本当に子供に母語レベルで教育できるのかという不安が一杯でした。ホームスクールというのは英語を母語とする人たちでも、“そんなこと、私にはとても、、、、”という人たちがほとんどで、私のように英語の子供の歌謡曲もほとんど知らない　“外国人”　が子供の教育を担任するなんて、荷が重すぎたのです。息子達の教育の責任が全部私の肩にのっかるのが怖くもありました。　それでも、ホームスクールでなきゃ、という説得された思いが心の深くまで浸透してて、私は夫をなんとか説得しようとしたのですが、全部、失敗に終わってしまいました。そこで、私の力ではなく、神様にこのことを預けようと決心して、もしホームスクールが神の意思なら、夫の決心を変えるように祈り始めたのです。それからは次々と夫の考えを変えることがおこり、結果的に言うと、夫は　“よし、ホームスクールをしよう。”　と賛成してくれたのです。　私たちのホームスクールの旅はこうして、始まりました。

それから、３年半、駿のスピーチは二年間のスピーチセラピーを終えて、５歳で標準に達し、今ではジュニアー小説を読むにまで至って、学力的には公立小学校では一つ上の学年、二年生の程度はあり、下の息子、聖は四歳半で、一年生の学力を持つようにまでなりました。子供の学力には本当に驚かされる毎日です。　改めて、神の計画は私達の想像を遥かに超える祝福を与えてくれることを身に感じました。　ホームスクールの収穫は子供達の学力だけではなく、私も子供達と一緒に毎日何かを学んでいるということです。　（これは改めて、またの話題として書くことにします。）ホームスクールがもたしてくれる可能性を期待して、今日はこの辺で。