One of the "nails" in my parenting that God had to remove was the fact that I identified myself with my kids. (I used to identify myself with my husband, too. But, that's another story.) How my children's misbehaviours would reflect on me poorly. This is the very thought that haunted me over many years in the past. I didn't even know that I was affected by this prideful thought. But, God did. And I believe that for that very reason, He gave me boys only. Ethan, especially is a blessing in terms of this. If it weren't for Ethan's "uniqueness", I would not be able to see from different perspectives, little to say, understand how to accept a person as who he is and to find my own identity in Christ alone, not in others.
It was said that guilt and worries are two things that hinder parenting. Guilt from our past mistakes and worries for the future will ruin the moment we have with our children. For me, worries for the future were holding on to the stirring wheel for the course of my parenting journey. As a result, it wasn't going anywhere. I was spinning at the same spot.
Today, I found an encouragement in the saying, "even though God is a perfect parent, ALL of His children rebelled!" Ha! How true that is!
We ought to "Surrender our kids to God and trust Him with the outcome" as well as to "Glorify God in our parenting and leave the results to Him."
Do you feel your burden lifted up a little bit? Does this make you feel a little less intimidated by parenting now? I certainly hope so!
10/27/2010
10/25/2010
Remembering My Two Little Angels
Dear my two little angels,
Time really flies by; the time you have left me and went to be with our Heavenly Father has come again. This year, mommy has been really busy taking care of your little brother and by the time I realized it, it was the day. I felt guilty that I almost didn't remember it. Can you please forgive me.
On these days, I remember what happened years ago and am wondering how you two are doing up in our heavenly home. Are you smiling everyday? Are you laughing everyday? Are you full of joy everyday? Mommy can almost picture your smiles. That picture alone comforts me. It bring me smile that I couldn't have for many years.
Looking at your little brother who's growing cuter and cuter everyday, I can't help but to wonder what it would be like if you two were meant to be here, too. Since your brothers all look alike, I guess you two would have been very similar, too. Unless you were girls, then it might be a different story. Since mommy doesn't have a girl, I can't imagine how you would look like if you were girls. But, what I know is that you two would have been beautiful regardless.
I don't know when I will get to see you two. But, mommy is so thankful that I get to see you two one day because of the price Jesus has paid for me. Me, a sinner who has a deep stain that shouldn't have been erased, that didn't deserve to be erased. Yet, Jesus was willing to pay for my sin with His blood, erasing my stain and made it as white as snow......
On your anniversaries, mommy is comforted to know where you are now and that you are in the best place under the best care.
My two little angels, until we see each other one day, praise and worship God for mommy, too.
Remembering you two with lots of love,
mommy
Time really flies by; the time you have left me and went to be with our Heavenly Father has come again. This year, mommy has been really busy taking care of your little brother and by the time I realized it, it was the day. I felt guilty that I almost didn't remember it. Can you please forgive me.
On these days, I remember what happened years ago and am wondering how you two are doing up in our heavenly home. Are you smiling everyday? Are you laughing everyday? Are you full of joy everyday? Mommy can almost picture your smiles. That picture alone comforts me. It bring me smile that I couldn't have for many years.
Looking at your little brother who's growing cuter and cuter everyday, I can't help but to wonder what it would be like if you two were meant to be here, too. Since your brothers all look alike, I guess you two would have been very similar, too. Unless you were girls, then it might be a different story. Since mommy doesn't have a girl, I can't imagine how you would look like if you were girls. But, what I know is that you two would have been beautiful regardless.
I don't know when I will get to see you two. But, mommy is so thankful that I get to see you two one day because of the price Jesus has paid for me. Me, a sinner who has a deep stain that shouldn't have been erased, that didn't deserve to be erased. Yet, Jesus was willing to pay for my sin with His blood, erasing my stain and made it as white as snow......
On your anniversaries, mommy is comforted to know where you are now and that you are in the best place under the best care.
My two little angels, until we see each other one day, praise and worship God for mommy, too.
Remembering you two with lots of love,
mommy
10/16/2010
A Beautiful Saturday It Should Be!
"Mom, can we order the costumes now?"
A question I heard a million times these last few days. Ok, maybe it hasn't reached a million times yet, but I certainly feel like it has! As the Halloween approaches, my boys surely remember my promise a few months ago to get them their desired "Vert Wheeler" costume from Hot Wheel Battle Force 5 and "Spider Monkey" from Ben 10 Alien Force.
While the whole North America celebrates Halloween, we participate in our church's annual Hallelujah Party. On Halloween, instead of trick or treating, we get together to praise the Lord. Kids get to play games to win their treats and there are worship musics, puppet shows, etc. My boys really enjoy this night every year. Without an exception this year, they have been looking forward to the Hallelujah night.
I was going to order the costumes with them online last night, but because of their disobedience, I had to postphone to today. This morning, as soon as they got up, they started to "shower" me with the same question. The condition for us to be able to order them was for them to finish their works first. Long story short, they haven't been able to fulfill that and it has been a struggling this whole morning. A beautiful Saturday morning with lots of sunshine outside the house.... yet, inside our house, there were screaming, crying, yelling, a very familiar scene from Supernanny if you have watched the show.
My husband worked over night, in fact he is not even home yet as I write this at 11:20am right now. This morning, my 7 month old got up at 5:30am and wouldn't go back to sleep. My 6-year-old came to tell me that he had wet his pajamas at just before 6am. By 6:30am, I was surrounded by three boys goofing, laughing, and one crying in my bed. On a Saturday morning!!!!! I finally gave up as the boys announced that they smelled something from their baby brother's diaper.....
After feeding them breakfast, I was hoping to have some quiet time while they do some homework in their room quietly after I had put the littlest to a nap. They did so for about an hour before they got distracted and started to make noises, which of course woke up the napping baby. So, my quiet time ended even before it actually began....
So, here I was lack of sleep, tired, irritated, frustrated, exhausted. And it was only 10am....
In the last 4.5 hours, I felt like I have already gone through a whole day worth of parenting. I have raised my voice (which was not a good parenting, by the way), talked with the boys separately after they "screamed murder" to each other, prayed with them for God to help them with their struggles such as self-control, being nice to others, etc. "Remind" them to finish their works first if they want to play....
In the middle of this caos, as I was yelping for help from God, He all of a sudden brought back to my memory what He has given me as a reward last night. Last night, before I left my boys' room, Ethan had told me that he had overheard the bus driver told one of the girls, "I hope she will get better." So, he was wondering who was sick and wondered if it was one of his classmates, Eliana. So, he bowed his head right there in the bus and prayed for her to get better.
I was in such a joy when I heard this. This is what I really want to see in my children, not that they are smart, well behaved, organized, well mannered (of course these are important and it's my prayer that they will be blessed by these), but more than the superficial behaviours, I really desire their heart to be with compassion and love and to turn to God for anything and everything.
As God gave me back this picture in my mind, I felt that my burden lifted up. It's a Saturday morning. Why am I getting so uptight about? Enjoy the sunshine and smell the roses! Breathe!!! I had to yell at myself. While I "hinted" at them that they were ruining the beautiful Saturday, God was telling me that I was the one who were ruining everyone's Saturday.
I am sweating over little stuffs and missing something more important. And I wasn't being fair. You see, my frustration really was coming from the fact that my husband was still at work and I was doing everything myself without a break. My physical limit led to emotional limit, which then resulted in releasing my frustration on my poor kids. Then, I was reminded by God's word in the book I was reading for the fellowship tonight. God says, "Come unto me, all [ye] that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28)
As I went to God that night, repenting for my faults and asking for rest, He surely graciously and mercifully gave me rest. Rest I had. Not necessarily a physical rest, but a "peace that surpasses all understanding" that only God can give as He promised in Philippians 4:7, "And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Praise the Lord!
A question I heard a million times these last few days. Ok, maybe it hasn't reached a million times yet, but I certainly feel like it has! As the Halloween approaches, my boys surely remember my promise a few months ago to get them their desired "Vert Wheeler" costume from Hot Wheel Battle Force 5 and "Spider Monkey" from Ben 10 Alien Force.
While the whole North America celebrates Halloween, we participate in our church's annual Hallelujah Party. On Halloween, instead of trick or treating, we get together to praise the Lord. Kids get to play games to win their treats and there are worship musics, puppet shows, etc. My boys really enjoy this night every year. Without an exception this year, they have been looking forward to the Hallelujah night.
I was going to order the costumes with them online last night, but because of their disobedience, I had to postphone to today. This morning, as soon as they got up, they started to "shower" me with the same question. The condition for us to be able to order them was for them to finish their works first. Long story short, they haven't been able to fulfill that and it has been a struggling this whole morning. A beautiful Saturday morning with lots of sunshine outside the house.... yet, inside our house, there were screaming, crying, yelling, a very familiar scene from Supernanny if you have watched the show.
My husband worked over night, in fact he is not even home yet as I write this at 11:20am right now. This morning, my 7 month old got up at 5:30am and wouldn't go back to sleep. My 6-year-old came to tell me that he had wet his pajamas at just before 6am. By 6:30am, I was surrounded by three boys goofing, laughing, and one crying in my bed. On a Saturday morning!!!!! I finally gave up as the boys announced that they smelled something from their baby brother's diaper.....
After feeding them breakfast, I was hoping to have some quiet time while they do some homework in their room quietly after I had put the littlest to a nap. They did so for about an hour before they got distracted and started to make noises, which of course woke up the napping baby. So, my quiet time ended even before it actually began....
So, here I was lack of sleep, tired, irritated, frustrated, exhausted. And it was only 10am....
In the last 4.5 hours, I felt like I have already gone through a whole day worth of parenting. I have raised my voice (which was not a good parenting, by the way), talked with the boys separately after they "screamed murder" to each other, prayed with them for God to help them with their struggles such as self-control, being nice to others, etc. "Remind" them to finish their works first if they want to play....
In the middle of this caos, as I was yelping for help from God, He all of a sudden brought back to my memory what He has given me as a reward last night. Last night, before I left my boys' room, Ethan had told me that he had overheard the bus driver told one of the girls, "I hope she will get better." So, he was wondering who was sick and wondered if it was one of his classmates, Eliana. So, he bowed his head right there in the bus and prayed for her to get better.
I was in such a joy when I heard this. This is what I really want to see in my children, not that they are smart, well behaved, organized, well mannered (of course these are important and it's my prayer that they will be blessed by these), but more than the superficial behaviours, I really desire their heart to be with compassion and love and to turn to God for anything and everything.
As God gave me back this picture in my mind, I felt that my burden lifted up. It's a Saturday morning. Why am I getting so uptight about? Enjoy the sunshine and smell the roses! Breathe!!! I had to yell at myself. While I "hinted" at them that they were ruining the beautiful Saturday, God was telling me that I was the one who were ruining everyone's Saturday.
I am sweating over little stuffs and missing something more important. And I wasn't being fair. You see, my frustration really was coming from the fact that my husband was still at work and I was doing everything myself without a break. My physical limit led to emotional limit, which then resulted in releasing my frustration on my poor kids. Then, I was reminded by God's word in the book I was reading for the fellowship tonight. God says, "Come unto me, all [ye] that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28)
As I went to God that night, repenting for my faults and asking for rest, He surely graciously and mercifully gave me rest. Rest I had. Not necessarily a physical rest, but a "peace that surpasses all understanding" that only God can give as He promised in Philippians 4:7, "And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Praise the Lord!
10/15/2010
Beautiful Jelly Fish or Ugly Barracudas?
Can you still find a hope after your dream dies? Today's focus on the family radio broadcast was the second part of a talk with Phil Vischer, the original creator of the famous Veggie Tales. The details of his journey with his dream can be found in today's broadcast, but basically, he was forced to let go of his 10-year worth of work of Veggie Tales because of a bankruptcy. His journey of "being at a hotel eating some strawberries with his wife while talking on the phone with an editor from New York Times" to be "sitting at the back of a court watching his 10-year worth of work being sold at an auction" really spoke to me.
Phil's dream of making a "Christian Walt Disney" became his idol and God had to crush it down in order to grasp his heart. All those times, he believed that God wanted him to establish a Christian Walt Disney. Yet, when he looked back at the whole thing when he was crushed to the bottom being disappointed by God for not coming to rescue him when his business was failing, he finally realized that it was never God's will for him to create a Christian Walt Disney. It was his own will to do so for his own identity and security to be recognized.
He now has a company he named Jelly Telly to remind himself of how he should allow himself to be carried by the "ocean current" like jelly fish. He was more like a barracuda who was trying to impress God by saying, "Look at what I can do!" "Bless me, but get out of my way." (borrowing and paraphrasing Phil's words.)
While listening to it, I was thinking about my own dreams. My dream has been to be a wife and a mother since I was little. And it was my compass while I was making decisions about my life. So, I got married and had kids right away. At the same time as my dream has come true, I started to have more "ideas" about what I want to do. The desire of wanting to make these "ideas" come true has grown since and they became my "dreams" now. Yet, I personally accepted the fact that it was not the time God wanted me to do anything about these dreams, so I hesitantly put them down at the corner of my heart, waiting for the days to come when I can finally go out there and make these dreams come true in my life.
But, I questioned myself today, "Are they really from God?" Or are they my desires to be noticed and recognized? Are they simply for my own fame? Being at home for nearly 10 years, I think I do desire some recognition. Something other than a wife and a mom to identify myself. Or at least for people to know that I exist! Just like Phil, I might be hiding behind my true motivation while trying to convince even myself that my dreams are God's callings.
As I thought about all these things, I almost heard God's saying, "That's why I haven't given you any opportunity to make those dreams happen in your life yet." God saw the nature of a barracuda in me that he can't open the doors for me yet.
Apparently, Jelly fish look just like sandwich bags when they are on the shore even though they are so beautiful in the water. We are truly like Jelly fish: without God, we are just like sandwich bags, but when we let go of ourselves and allow God to carry us in His current, we can be beautiful.
I decided to give those dreams of mine up to God and ask Him to carry me there if they are indeed His callings for me someday. As much as I desire to make my dreams come true one day, I'd rather be like a jelly fish floating beautifully carried by God's current than an ugly barracuda or a "sandwich bag" lying on the see shore, not being what it was made to be.
Phil's dream of making a "Christian Walt Disney" became his idol and God had to crush it down in order to grasp his heart. All those times, he believed that God wanted him to establish a Christian Walt Disney. Yet, when he looked back at the whole thing when he was crushed to the bottom being disappointed by God for not coming to rescue him when his business was failing, he finally realized that it was never God's will for him to create a Christian Walt Disney. It was his own will to do so for his own identity and security to be recognized.
He now has a company he named Jelly Telly to remind himself of how he should allow himself to be carried by the "ocean current" like jelly fish. He was more like a barracuda who was trying to impress God by saying, "Look at what I can do!" "Bless me, but get out of my way." (borrowing and paraphrasing Phil's words.)
While listening to it, I was thinking about my own dreams. My dream has been to be a wife and a mother since I was little. And it was my compass while I was making decisions about my life. So, I got married and had kids right away. At the same time as my dream has come true, I started to have more "ideas" about what I want to do. The desire of wanting to make these "ideas" come true has grown since and they became my "dreams" now. Yet, I personally accepted the fact that it was not the time God wanted me to do anything about these dreams, so I hesitantly put them down at the corner of my heart, waiting for the days to come when I can finally go out there and make these dreams come true in my life.
But, I questioned myself today, "Are they really from God?" Or are they my desires to be noticed and recognized? Are they simply for my own fame? Being at home for nearly 10 years, I think I do desire some recognition. Something other than a wife and a mom to identify myself. Or at least for people to know that I exist! Just like Phil, I might be hiding behind my true motivation while trying to convince even myself that my dreams are God's callings.
As I thought about all these things, I almost heard God's saying, "That's why I haven't given you any opportunity to make those dreams happen in your life yet." God saw the nature of a barracuda in me that he can't open the doors for me yet.
Apparently, Jelly fish look just like sandwich bags when they are on the shore even though they are so beautiful in the water. We are truly like Jelly fish: without God, we are just like sandwich bags, but when we let go of ourselves and allow God to carry us in His current, we can be beautiful.
I decided to give those dreams of mine up to God and ask Him to carry me there if they are indeed His callings for me someday. As much as I desire to make my dreams come true one day, I'd rather be like a jelly fish floating beautifully carried by God's current than an ugly barracuda or a "sandwich bag" lying on the see shore, not being what it was made to be.
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