Just Some Thoughts

A quiet 30 minutes on a captain's chair enjoying a cup of coffee with a little chocolate tart while the bright sun shines in from the window behind me on a warm fall afternoon is such a treat. What a perfect time to do some writing! I don't know when was the last time I got a moment like that. I had the urge to write something down right there but remembered that our macbook is away with my husband. So, I am now typing this on a desk top in our office, where my imagination and creativity are so limited as it shows in my writing right now.... Well, still, I will just let my thoughts take me to where it will be.

This month, we are enjoying a promotion of Movies on Demand channel for free. Remembering the free offer that will end in 10 days, I ordered A Letter to Juliet to watch. After putting Benjamin, who has fallen asleep during nursing, down in the swing, I was able to sip a cup of coffee with a little chocolate tart for a treat. Although it was a typical "girl movie", one thing really stood out in the movie was passion. The main character is passionate about what she does and her ex fiance is passionate about cooking.

This of course led me to think what my passion is. This question has not been answered for many many years after I had found out that I was not as good as I thought I would be as a mother, which had been my passion since I was a little girl. I don't know if you can call being a mother a passion, but to me, that was all it was. All I wanted to do was being a mother. And worst of all, I believed that I was prepared for it and would be good. Little did I know that the reality would hit me hard and erased all that "illusion" that I had in my head. I Never thought about things other than being a mother as my passion, so here I am now still wondering what I am passionate about. Maybe I do have a passion that I don't even know about, but at this point, I am not certain at all. I do have things that I would like to do but have to put off until later on. I always think how wonderful it would be to be passionate about something.

I think everyone needs it to live life fully. We can still live day after day without passion, but how empty that it. For the past 10 years, my life has been like that. I have functioned without passion, just dealing with or catching up with what's happening in my life. What is my goal in life? What am I aiming for? All of a sudden, I feel like I've wasted so much time just breathing (I can't even call it living) from one day to another without any clear picture of where I am going. I certainly don't want to just survive. Yet, that's what my life has been for the last 10 years. Where did my passion go? Or was there any to begin with? Do I sound depressed? Or discouraged? Maybe. But, at the same time, I am motivated, too to do something about this reality.

I don't want my kids to live life like this. I want them to be passionate about life. In fact, they are passionate about life. But, I think because of my lack of passion for life, I have pulled them down quite often. Their imagination and creativities are always abundant. I have to admit; I haven't been able to encourage them enough in those areas. I try not to discourage them, but if I carefully think back about it, I have been a discouraging mother in those areas.

Proverbs 22:6 says, "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it." We are to train our children in the way THEY should go, not how we want them to go, or how we think they should go. If I don't let them be who they are, how can I train them in the way they should go? Of course I am not talking about letting them go in any ways they want, but rather I am talking about each one of my boys' personality, talent, strength and weaknesses. I have to understanding them well so that I can train them in the way they should go. If I just try to squeeze them into my ways, they will only suffocate.

How interesting it is to start with my passion and end with parenting. Maybe that's where God wanted to take me to today. Well, I think I have enough blah blah blah. I guess once in a while this kind of writing is ok. (Am I comforting myself? Maybe...)