After Ben was born, time spent with Ethan and Darren has dramatically decreased. Thankfully, they play well together generally and are independent, so I am able to take care of a new born without too much conflict except for my own guilt. Ethan and Darren have been very understanding and have not complained about being neglected.

As soon as I felt back to normal, I tried to go back to our normal schedule, including homeschooling and bedtime routine of reading books, the Bible, and praying with the boys. But, recently, I stopped the bedtime routine with the boys, trying to get Ben to sleep at an earlier time regularly. Ethan and Darren did not mind reading books themselves, so I did not pay too much attention to this change. Until recently, God started to show me how little time we spent together reading God's word, talking about the principles behind it, etc. Since they go to school now, I only get to spend 4-5 hours with them everyday. Most of the 4-5 hours are usually spent on homeworks, dinner, and bedtime routine (by themselves).

So, today, I decided that we will go back to spending time together before they go to bed, reading books that they pick as well as God's word and pray together. Before, I usually tried to rush it through so that I can have a quiet time myself. Even bedtime prayers were different. I used to take turns praying with the boys before they went to bed, but because I want to get it over with, I started to close the bedtime routine by prayer myself. Tonight, we took turns praying again, and I was so blessed to hear how much Darren's prayer has changed. He's praying like an adult now; from the words and phrases he used to the content of his prayer. I was just so happy and impressed how much he's grown.

At school, they start and end their day with devotionals, prayers. I was so speechless and though what a great job they are doing at the boys' school. At the same time, I know that this can't be an excuse for me not to continue to spend time with them in God's word and prayer. I am thankful and encouraged to press forward in training them in their walks of faith.

Perfect Parents, Rebellious Children

One of the "nails" in my parenting that God had to remove was the fact that I identified myself with my kids. (I used to identify myself with my husband, too. But, that's another story.) How my children's misbehaviours would reflect on me poorly. This is the very thought that haunted me over many years in the past. I didn't even know that I was affected by this prideful thought. But, God did. And I believe that for that very reason, He gave me boys only. Ethan, especially is a blessing in terms of this. If it weren't for Ethan's "uniqueness", I would not be able to see from different perspectives, little to say, understand how to accept a person as who he is and to find my own identity in Christ alone, not in others.

It was said that guilt and worries are two things that hinder parenting. Guilt from our past mistakes and worries for the future will ruin the moment we have with our children. For me, worries for the future were holding on to the stirring wheel for the course of my parenting journey. As a result, it wasn't going anywhere. I was spinning at the same spot.

Today, I found an encouragement in the saying, "even though God is a perfect parent, ALL of His children rebelled!" Ha! How true that is!

We ought to "Surrender our kids to God and trust Him with the outcome" as well as to "Glorify God in our parenting and leave the results to Him."

Do you feel your burden lifted up a little bit? Does this make you feel a little less intimidated by parenting now? I certainly hope so!

Remembering My Two Little Angels

Dear my two little angels,

Time really flies by; the time you have left me and went to be with our Heavenly Father has come again. This year, mommy has been really busy taking care of your little brother and by the time I realized it, it was the day. I felt guilty that I almost didn't remember it. Can you please forgive me.

On these days, I remember what happened years ago and am wondering how you two are doing up in our heavenly home. Are you smiling everyday? Are you laughing everyday? Are you full of joy everyday? Mommy can almost picture your smiles. That picture alone comforts me. It bring me smile that I couldn't have for many years.

Looking at your little brother who's growing cuter and cuter everyday, I can't help but to wonder what it would be like if you two were meant to be here, too. Since your brothers all look alike, I guess you two would have been very similar, too. Unless you were girls, then it might be a different story. Since mommy doesn't have a girl, I can't imagine how you would look like if you were girls. But, what I know is that you two would have been beautiful regardless.

I don't know when I will get to see you two. But, mommy is so thankful that I get to see you two one day because of the price Jesus has paid for me. Me, a sinner who has a deep stain that shouldn't have been erased, that didn't deserve to be erased. Yet, Jesus was willing to pay for my sin with His blood, erasing my stain and made it as white as snow......

On your anniversaries, mommy is comforted to know where you are now and that you are in the best place under the best care.

My two little angels, until we see each other one day, praise and worship God for mommy, too.

Remembering you two with lots of love,
mommy

A Beautiful Saturday It Should Be!

"Mom, can we order the costumes now?"

A question I heard a million times these last few days. Ok, maybe it hasn't reached a million times yet, but I certainly feel like it has! As the Halloween approaches, my boys surely remember my promise a few months ago to get them their desired "Vert Wheeler" costume from Hot Wheel Battle Force 5 and "Spider Monkey" from Ben 10 Alien Force.

While the whole North America celebrates Halloween, we participate in our church's annual Hallelujah Party. On Halloween, instead of trick or treating, we get together to praise the Lord. Kids get to play games to win their treats and there are worship musics, puppet shows, etc. My boys really enjoy this night every year. Without an exception this year, they have been looking forward to the Hallelujah night.

I was going to order the costumes with them online last night, but because of their disobedience, I had to postphone to today. This morning, as soon as they got up, they started to "shower" me with the same question. The condition for us to be able to order them was for them to finish their works first. Long story short, they haven't been able to fulfill that and it has been a struggling this whole morning. A beautiful Saturday morning with lots of sunshine outside the house.... yet, inside our house, there were screaming, crying, yelling, a very familiar scene from Supernanny if you have watched the show.

My husband worked over night, in fact he is not even home yet as I write this at 11:20am right now. This morning, my 7 month old got up at 5:30am and wouldn't go back to sleep. My 6-year-old came to tell me that he had wet his pajamas at just before 6am. By 6:30am, I was surrounded by three boys goofing, laughing, and one crying in my bed. On a Saturday morning!!!!! I finally gave up as the boys announced that they smelled something from their baby brother's diaper.....

After feeding them breakfast, I was hoping to have some quiet time while they do some homework in their room quietly after I had put the littlest to a nap. They did so for about an hour before they got distracted and started to make noises, which of course woke up the napping baby. So, my quiet time ended even before it actually began....
So, here I was lack of sleep, tired, irritated, frustrated, exhausted. And it was only 10am....

In the last 4.5 hours, I felt like I have already gone through a whole day worth of parenting. I have raised my voice (which was not a good parenting, by the way), talked with the boys separately after they "screamed murder" to each other, prayed with them for God to help them with their struggles such as self-control, being nice to others, etc. "Remind" them to finish their works first if they want to play....

In the middle of this caos, as I was yelping for help from God, He all of a sudden brought back to my memory what He has given me as a reward last night. Last night, before I left my boys' room, Ethan had told me that he had overheard the bus driver told one of the girls, "I hope she will get better." So, he was wondering who was sick and wondered if it was one of his classmates, Eliana. So, he bowed his head right there in the bus and prayed for her to get better.

I was in such a joy when I heard this. This is what I really want to see in my children, not that they are smart, well behaved, organized, well mannered (of course these are important and it's my prayer that they will be blessed by these), but more than the superficial behaviours, I really desire their heart to be with compassion and love and to turn to God for anything and everything.

As God gave me back this picture in my mind, I felt that my burden lifted up. It's a Saturday morning. Why am I getting so uptight about? Enjoy the sunshine and smell the roses! Breathe!!! I had to yell at myself. While I "hinted" at them that they were ruining the beautiful Saturday, God was telling me that I was the one who were ruining everyone's Saturday.

I am sweating over little stuffs and missing something more important. And I wasn't being fair. You see, my frustration really was coming from the fact that my husband was still at work and I was doing everything myself without a break. My physical limit led to emotional limit, which then resulted in releasing my frustration on my poor kids. Then, I was reminded by God's word in the book I was reading for the fellowship tonight. God says, "Come unto me, all [ye] that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28)

As I went to God that night, repenting for my faults and asking for rest, He surely graciously and mercifully gave me rest. Rest I had. Not necessarily a physical rest, but a "peace that surpasses all understanding" that only God can give as He promised in Philippians 4:7, "And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Praise the Lord!

Beautiful Jelly Fish or Ugly Barracudas?

Can you still find a hope after your dream dies? Today's focus on the family radio broadcast was the second part of a talk with Phil Vischer, the original creator of the famous Veggie Tales. The details of his journey with his dream can be found in today's broadcast, but basically, he was forced to let go of his 10-year worth of work of Veggie Tales because of a bankruptcy. His journey of "being at a hotel eating some strawberries with his wife while talking on the phone with an editor from New York Times" to be "sitting at the back of a court watching his 10-year worth of work being sold at an auction" really spoke to me.

Phil's dream of making a "Christian Walt Disney" became his idol and God had to crush it down in order to grasp his heart. All those times, he believed that God wanted him to establish a Christian Walt Disney. Yet, when he looked back at the whole thing when he was crushed to the bottom being disappointed by God for not coming to rescue him when his business was failing, he finally realized that it was never God's will for him to create a Christian Walt Disney. It was his own will to do so for his own identity and security to be recognized.

He now has a company he named Jelly Telly to remind himself of how he should allow himself to be carried by the "ocean current" like jelly fish. He was more like a barracuda who was trying to impress God by saying, "Look at what I can do!" "Bless me, but get out of my way." (borrowing and paraphrasing Phil's words.)

While listening to it, I was thinking about my own dreams. My dream has been to be a wife and a mother since I was little. And it was my compass while I was making decisions about my life. So, I got married and had kids right away. At the same time as my dream has come true, I started to have more "ideas" about what I want to do. The desire of wanting to make these "ideas" come true has grown since and they became my "dreams" now. Yet, I personally accepted the fact that it was not the time God wanted me to do anything about these dreams, so I hesitantly put them down at the corner of my heart, waiting for the days to come when I can finally go out there and make these dreams come true in my life.

But, I questioned myself today, "Are they really from God?" Or are they my desires to be noticed and recognized? Are they simply for my own fame? Being at home for nearly 10 years, I think I do desire some recognition. Something other than a wife and a mom to identify myself. Or at least for people to know that I exist! Just like Phil, I might be hiding behind my true motivation while trying to convince even myself that my dreams are God's callings.

As I thought about all these things, I almost heard God's saying, "That's why I haven't given you any opportunity to make those dreams happen in your life yet." God saw the nature of a barracuda in me that he can't open the doors for me yet.

Apparently, Jelly fish look just like sandwich bags when they are on the shore even though they are so beautiful in the water. We are truly like Jelly fish: without God, we are just like sandwich bags, but when we let go of ourselves and allow God to carry us in His current, we can be beautiful.

I decided to give those dreams of mine up to God and ask Him to carry me there if they are indeed His callings for me someday. As much as I desire to make my dreams come true one day, I'd rather be like a jelly fish floating beautifully carried by God's current than an ugly barracuda or a "sandwich bag" lying on the see shore, not being what it was made to be.

Just Some Thoughts

A quiet 30 minutes on a captain's chair enjoying a cup of coffee with a little chocolate tart while the bright sun shines in from the window behind me on a warm fall afternoon is such a treat. What a perfect time to do some writing! I don't know when was the last time I got a moment like that. I had the urge to write something down right there but remembered that our macbook is away with my husband. So, I am now typing this on a desk top in our office, where my imagination and creativity are so limited as it shows in my writing right now.... Well, still, I will just let my thoughts take me to where it will be.

This month, we are enjoying a promotion of Movies on Demand channel for free. Remembering the free offer that will end in 10 days, I ordered A Letter to Juliet to watch. After putting Benjamin, who has fallen asleep during nursing, down in the swing, I was able to sip a cup of coffee with a little chocolate tart for a treat. Although it was a typical "girl movie", one thing really stood out in the movie was passion. The main character is passionate about what she does and her ex fiance is passionate about cooking.

This of course led me to think what my passion is. This question has not been answered for many many years after I had found out that I was not as good as I thought I would be as a mother, which had been my passion since I was a little girl. I don't know if you can call being a mother a passion, but to me, that was all it was. All I wanted to do was being a mother. And worst of all, I believed that I was prepared for it and would be good. Little did I know that the reality would hit me hard and erased all that "illusion" that I had in my head. I Never thought about things other than being a mother as my passion, so here I am now still wondering what I am passionate about. Maybe I do have a passion that I don't even know about, but at this point, I am not certain at all. I do have things that I would like to do but have to put off until later on. I always think how wonderful it would be to be passionate about something.

I think everyone needs it to live life fully. We can still live day after day without passion, but how empty that it. For the past 10 years, my life has been like that. I have functioned without passion, just dealing with or catching up with what's happening in my life. What is my goal in life? What am I aiming for? All of a sudden, I feel like I've wasted so much time just breathing (I can't even call it living) from one day to another without any clear picture of where I am going. I certainly don't want to just survive. Yet, that's what my life has been for the last 10 years. Where did my passion go? Or was there any to begin with? Do I sound depressed? Or discouraged? Maybe. But, at the same time, I am motivated, too to do something about this reality.

I don't want my kids to live life like this. I want them to be passionate about life. In fact, they are passionate about life. But, I think because of my lack of passion for life, I have pulled them down quite often. Their imagination and creativities are always abundant. I have to admit; I haven't been able to encourage them enough in those areas. I try not to discourage them, but if I carefully think back about it, I have been a discouraging mother in those areas.

Proverbs 22:6 says, "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it." We are to train our children in the way THEY should go, not how we want them to go, or how we think they should go. If I don't let them be who they are, how can I train them in the way they should go? Of course I am not talking about letting them go in any ways they want, but rather I am talking about each one of my boys' personality, talent, strength and weaknesses. I have to understanding them well so that I can train them in the way they should go. If I just try to squeeze them into my ways, they will only suffocate.

How interesting it is to start with my passion and end with parenting. Maybe that's where God wanted to take me to today. Well, I think I have enough blah blah blah. I guess once in a while this kind of writing is ok. (Am I comforting myself? Maybe...)

Stepping Out of the Safe Boat (written on April 17, 2009)

ecently, I have been wondering what I could do from home that will also generate some cash to contribute financially. I've thought about selling hand-made products such as nursing canopies (I found out it was easy to make!).

Just so happened on the Easter weekend, an Avon lady came knocking on my door. I thought about selling Avon before, but lack of motivation prevented me from doing so. This time although Avon wasn't in my option at all, I just thought it's a good opportunity to find out more about it. I thought about canceling the appointment with her, but decided not to. I thought I was just going to learn how Avon works. But, after meeting with her, I figured that it didn't hurt to try. After all, my goal is not to be one of the top selling agents who earn over $30000. (or maybe it should be??) I just wanted to start something flexible enough for me to continue to homeschool and no pressure to other parts of my life. I told her that I would think about it.

That night, I talked to Ed who encouraged me to do so. He's always supportive of what I do or want to do and was even braining storming with me how I can develop this business. I was very encouraged and motivated after talking to him.

Then, I read the daily devotionals on Proverbs 31 women by Amy this morning. She was talking about trusting God and take courage to step out when God calls you like Noah did. I decided to do the same, too. I have had many different ideas of working from home before, but each time, I would give up or erase the idea because of my own fear or possible obstacles. I thought that it was time for me to stepping out of my comfort zone.

So, here I am just a few hours after signing up to be an Avon lady. I am actually excited thinking about how I am going to develop this. I might have to read the "business for dummies" or something because I have no business concept nor any experience. I would need my husband's help and God's guidance for sure. But, I believe it's a great opportunity for me to learn and grow. How exciting when there are a lot of things to learn!

If you have read this blog and would be willing to kindly spread the words, I greatly appreciate it!

Master of Disaster (written on May 1, 2009)

We have a master of disaster at home. His name is Darren. He used to eat like chickens (according to my dad), leaving crumbs everywhere (which is getting better thankfully). He would pour his drinks on his shirt because he would pour before the cup reaches his mouth. He would switch and mess up all the DVDS and their cases for fun, trying to confuse others. He would pull out all his clothes from his drawers to play a camp out with his stuffed animal friends. He would dump out all the books from the book shelf for some creative ideas in his imaginary play. He would break apart a pen that he's using to draw. The lists goes on and on..... and as a joke, we started to call him, the Master of Disaster. He used to repeat after us and say, "I am the Masda of desasda" when he was young, but then he figured even in his own little mind that it's not a good thing to be called the master of disaster, so he would fight back saying, "I am NOT the master of disaster." But now, he just accepts this dishonorable title.

This morning, as I sat next to him for breakfast, he quietly and sadly said, "I am the master of disaster......" I felt his heart all of a sudden, realizing that he actually believes that he is a master of disaster. I had to tell him that we were just joking with him and that he is NOT a master of disaster. I apologize for calling him that and asked him for his forgiveness. He told me in a very sad way that he was so sad because we called him the master of disaster.

After a little while, he told me that he was sorry to call Ethan a master of disaster. So, I suggested him to apologize to Ethan if that's the case. As soon as Ethan came down the stairs, he did exactly that.

What amazed me was how his heart worked. When he forgave, he was then urged to ask for forgiveness for the same thing he has done to someone else. I can't explain this in a better way, but I learned from his little heart that mercies go around. When you forgive, you will also be forgiven. Then, and only then true peace comes. And of course that we have to be careful what we are telling our kids, for they believe in whatever you tell them now. Shower them with positive and encouraging comments rather than negative ones!

What a precious lesson learned from my 4 year old!

Real Mom Real Jesus... (written on Jan.1, 2010)

One of the books I recently bought is called "Real Moms, Real Jesus..." by Jill Savage. And I can't believe how much revelation, encouragement, inspiration, and motivation I got out from this book! What a wonderful Christmas and New Year's present the Lord has given me this year!

Being a Christian for over 10 years, I have heard, known, and believed that Jesus understands everything we are going through. Why not? He is God and omnipotent, right? But I never really thought of the possibility that I can totally relate to Him as a mom and that he can totally understand how we feel as a mom. After all, He was never a mom, right?

But, Jill Savage painted and showed me how Jesus perfectly relate to us mothers in our daily lives! This revelation brought Jesus so much more closer to me in my everyday life. When I am doing my everyday routine as a mom, I feel comforted that Jesus knows how I feel and what I am going through.

Although He was never a mom, Jesus' life was full of the same things that we go through as moms: non-stop interruption, "popularity" with the crowds that constantly followed Him, disappointment that he felt towards people including his own disciples, constant physical and emotional exhaustion, etc. etc.

When we see Jesus from this perspectives, we can totally relate to Him as our best friend. When I get to have a chance to hang out with other moms, I feel reenergized and refreshed and am able to go extra miles. Now I know that Jesus can be my best "mom" friend! This helped me to see Jesus as Someone who is in my life rather than a supernatural figure who's high up there.

Not only that I learned this wonderful truth about the relationship we can have with Jesus in a practical way, but also have I learned how to keep the peace and close relationship with God in the midst of craziness from everyday life from Jesus' examples. It is possible to keep our focus on God while we go through the ministry of motherhood. I desperately needed this revelation before our #3 comes in 10 more weeks when our lives will surely be turned upside down for a while. And to be honest, I was starting to panic a little bit wondering if I can survive it with sanity... well, now I know I can!

I highly recommend every mom to read this book!

A Sneak Peek to September

This week, the boys have attended a Vocational Bible School at a local church here in Alliston. It was only for the mornings from 9am-12pm. This forces us to go to bed early and get up early. At the same time it gave me a whole morning just to be with Ben. Although Ben is still clinging and unless he's asleep in the sling on my chest, I can't do much, I had a sneak peek of what is to come from September. This is the first time I actually had time to myself (sort of) apart from the boys in terms of sending them to some programs. So far, every church programs they have attended, I was there with them. It felt a little weird at the beginning, but I kind of enjoyed this little break. :)

They seemed to have a great time everyday and were excited about going back the next day. I am very pleased to know this and also was glad to meet wonderful christians here in town. Maybe Ed's right; I have to make friends here in town. Having the kids attend some local programs certainly is a way to be exposed to people here in Alliston. I have always felt kind of uncomfortable to be with white people because of the cultural difference. Even though I speak English now, not growing up here makes me feel so foreign in a white community. Because of this, I have been sheltering myself from "unnecessary encounters" with even our neighbours. But, I guess that's another hurdle I have to overcome in my life.

Through this, again I realized that I care so much about how people view me. I have met many minority people whose English is not native, yet, they were right in the middle of the group being themselves. This past week, I felt God's nudging me and telling me to be myself and not care so much about how people will think about me. He wants me, too, to gloom as who He made me to be. I feel like a heavy load being lifted up from my shoulder. Now, I feel more courage in me to step into the community.

School from September

I have mentioned about Dareth's (Darren & Ethan) schooling in the previous entry. That was another lesson learned for me. Ever since the end of my third trimester until first 2 months after Ben was born, I wasn't able to put enough effort and energy into the boys' schooling, nor in having disciplined daily schedules. They were let loose for a few months, which resulted in very disobedient sons with bad attitudes.... As I started to feel my limit in homeschooling while taking care of an infant, Ed also was considering other options. Finally we agreed on sending them to school from September.

Now the question is where? We had three options: public school, a christian private school here in town and our church school 50 minutes away. I was trying to avoid sending them to public school at all cost, especially after I learned about the new sex education curriculum that was planned to be put in practice from September. But the reality was that we could not afford a private school with a tuition of close to $20,000 a year. In my mind, I tried to get involved with our church school even though that means we have to commute 50 minutes one way everyday. I was ready to commit even with a baby. But, Ed had another idea; public school was what's in his mind. Knowing this, I had been avoiding talking about the issue, trying to avoid the tension. I prayed, "Lord if it's your will for the boys to continue in Christian Education, please provide us a way and change Ed's mind." But He didn't. As I continue to seek a way to send them to either christian school, God worked in my heart. He patiently and persistently talked to me through my daily devotionals, personal bible study, and other ways to trust in Him and Him alone, not the environment, not the teachers, not the students, not the education policies, nor the curriculum and to submit to my husband's leading.

Finally I decided to obey God and let go of my plans for my boys. I brought up the schooling of the boys that night and although it started with a tensed conversation, we were able to communicate our ideas to each other. Or I should say, most part was to hear what my husband had to say and say yes to that. It wasn't easy to get there, but once I did, finally I was able to have a sense of peace.

While I tried to find a way to avoid sending them to public school, I contacted the Christian school here in town for their tuition. They were readjusting it and told me that they would get back to me after it's decided. On the e-mail, they also invited us to a school tour if we would like. Since we had decided to send the boys to public school, I didn't know if Ed wanted to have that tour. But, to my surprise, he said yes to the school tour and so we arranged to have one in the coming week. Meanwhile, we found out that they had decided to reduce the tuition by 25% and the amount was for the whole family! At the same time, Ed has mentioned to me the first time that he was thinking about a way to pay their tuition because he really wanted to send them to Christian school. Wow, I thought, still was peaceful and sure that we would send the boys to public school.

We had a wonderful experience with the school tour. We were so pleased and impressed by how friendly the atmosphere was at the school from the principle, to the secretary, to students, and then parents. Parents who saw us waiting in the hallway came to greet us and welcomed us to the school and reassured us that we would not regret our decision. (which is good to know!) We just really enjoyed the experience and became so sure that we wanted the boys to go there. By the end of the day, the boys had taken the entry exams, the deposit was made, and applications turned in. We came home and was speechless of what had just happened.... but with a sense of peace, joy, and excitement! The boys were able to participate in their own classes and had a sneak peak of what it's like to be in a classroom and were totally in love with it. In fact, they can't wait to start attending the school! (which is another good thing to know).

Again, God has taught me a lesson. I have been His stumbling block this whole time!!! The more I tried to arrange the boys schooling, the more I was interfering with God's work. Once as soon as I let go, He came in and worked His plan for us perfectly. I really need to give my head a shake!!! How come I keep on making the same mistake! Of course God knows the best what my boys need! And He loves them way more than I can imagine. I need to remember that they are His children and I am just a steward to raise them here on earth. Thank you God for another precious lesson. Thank you for your patience with me. Again, I thank God with a repentant heart...

A Whole New Life or Is it Really?

Wow. It's been 4 months since I last posted an entry. What have I been so busy during these last 4 months??? Oh, yeah. I gave birth! Thanks to many caring friends and family's prayers, our little Benjamin came out safe and sound on March 8th at 10:40pm, weighing 7lbs 3oz. (3260g) and 51cm long. The labour was long for the third one (20 hours), but the contractions were well spaced out, which made it a lot easier for me to endure without any medication. The nurses weren't totally convinced that I was in active labour, for I was talking and laughing with them. (Am I an expert by now? :p) As soon as the worst pain of the day hit, Benjamin came out after less than 5 minutes of pushing. He came out so perfectly with a very clean body and face and a perfectly shaped head. In this way, we became parents of 3 that night.

Two and a half months have past since that night, and we are well adjusted to having three boys. Or should I say that we are aware now if one of them is missing. :p These first few months have been challenging to me from time to time. My dear husband had decided to take an promotional exam just 2 weeks after the birth, which means that he was not available due to study before and after the birth. Yes, I have resented him for choosing this probably THE craziest time in our life together so far to take that exam. But, God has His way to correct my attitude and I have learned and grown from this experience, mostly endurance, patience, and forgiveness....(:p) And thankfully, he did pass the exam! Hallelujah! Praise the Lord, for my sacrifice (and Ed's, I guess? :p) was not wasted! I know he chose to take the exam in the craziest time not by his wanting but because he wanted to give us a better life. Thank you, hon for your sleepless week prior to your exam!

Another eventful thing my dear husband has put me through is a week alone with 2 active boys and a physically demanding infant. Yes., I admit, it took me a long time to get over the fact that he would be gone for a week and I won't have any help at all! But, again, once God has shown me the correct attitude to have and I have lifted my situation up to His hands, he has shown me His love and care through friends who came to visit with homemade food and friends who are brave enough to take my boys over for a sleep-over so that I could have a break and some time alone after Ed comes back! I am just so speechless thinking how much they are doing for us!!! Through this experience, I did gain confidence and independence from Ed as God has stretched my limit to the maximum each day. I realized that I have relied on my husband for many things and was fearful of taking any step further to expand my capability of handling things. But, God has again shown me that when I rely on Him, anything is possible. For that, I am very thankful, for this can open the door for me to other possibilities in my life yet to come.

I have "wrestled" with God a lot in the last few months trying to get my ways in many things, one of them being the boys' schooling from September. (will talk about it in a separate blog), but whatever the issue was, the core problem was about my attitude. I wanted to have my own ways. However, He has taught me to submit to Him and my husband. He wants me to learn to trust HIm and Ed. I know one of my problems is to want to have control over everything, which means I can't let go of certain things and am not trusting God 100%. I can see that He is working in this matter in my life right now. As much as I am scared and worried, I want to gear these feelings toward prayers instead. Instead of being scared and worried about "what ifs", I want to use that energy and time to pray.

Seems like more changes will come this year and although I don't know where God is taking us to at the end of the year or at the end of 10 years, what I know is that He is leading us and He is here with us every step we take. That alone is enough.